
iMMRs m 



mm 



DENiSON'S A' LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



4 4 



Partial List of Successful and Popi 
Price 15c each. Postpaid, Ui 

DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2J^ hrs C25c) 8 8 

Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 

2 hrs C2^^c) U 

After the Game, 2 acts, 1 '4 

hrs. -(200) 1 9 

AH a Mistake. 3 acts, 2 hrs, 

(25c) 

All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 

21^ hrs (25c) 6 10 

American Hustler, 4 acts, 2 1/^ 

hrs (^5c) / ^ 

As a Woman Thinketh," 3 acts, 

2'^^ hrs (25c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 254 hrs (25c) 6 14 

Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 8 4 

Black Heifer, 3 acts. 2 h. (25c) 9 3 
Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1% hrs, 

{23c) 

Brookdale Farm, 

hrs 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 

(25c) 

Burns Rebellion, 1 hr 



17 
acts, 2% 
....(25c) 
2. hrs. 

7 

(25c) 8 



7 3 



Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2^4 h. (25c) 7 4 
Civil Service, 3 acts, 2^4, hrs. _ 

(?5c) o 

College Town, 3 acts, 2J4 

hrs (25c) 9 8 

Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs.. 7 4 
Daughter of the Desert 4 

lets. 2^4 his (25c) 6 4 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2i/4 hrs. 

(25c) ..••• 5 5 

Deacon Entangled, o acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) — 6 4 

Down" in Dixie, 4 acts, 2 '4 

hrs. •••(-5c) 8 4 

Dream That Came True 3 

acts, 2'4 hrs (2Sc) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr, . . . (2Sc) 10 
Enchanted Wood, 1)4 h.(3Dc).Optnl. 
Everyyouth, 3 acts, I'A h. (25c") 7 6 
Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs. • (-30 4 4 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

11/2 hrs (25c) 9 14 

Heiress of Hoetown, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 8 

Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 

2 hrs. .(25c) 3 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c)l 

Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, 2 

Indian" Days, 1 hr (5 



HHI 



.?J}P ^^® 122 8 # 17 

Kicked Out of College, -J,^^'-' „ . 

214 hrs (25c) 10 9 

Kingdom of Heart's Content 3 

acts, 2^4 hrs (25c) 6 1- 

Laughing Cure, 2 acts, IH hrs. ^ ^ 

Lexington, 4 acts,' 2^A h.' (2Sc) 9 4 
Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs. 

/5c) 7 4 

Lodge of Kye Tyes, 1 hr.(25c)13 
Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 5 ^ 

Mirandy's Minstrels (25c) Optn., 

Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 

acts, 21/4 hrs ,---(25c) 4 7 

New Woman, 3 acts 1 hr.... 3 6 
Old Maid's Club, VA hrs.(2Dc) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts 2 

hrs (25c) 8 6 

Old School at Hick'ry Holler 

154 hrs. (25c)12 »^ 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, , 

2y2 hrs ^rf^^^^l 

Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 4 
Parlor Matches, 2 acts, 1J4 hrs. 

- (25c) "^ 5 

Poor Married Man. 3 acts^,^ 44^ 

Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 21/2 h.^c) 7 4 
Rummage Sale, 50 min. . ^••- ^ ^0 
Rustic Romeo, 2 act'^-4 



hrs. 



hrs 
Star Bright 



3/; 



Teacher, Ki^^jj,, 



(25c)10i; 
Savageland. 2 acts, 2/^-(,jOO 5 
School Ma^am, 4 ac*^|4 '^^s. 6 
Scrap of Paper, 3 - ^.J?"'.; ^ 
Sewing for the^ He ^^' ^0 mm. 
Southern Cinder;' ^ ^''^f^^^ 

; 2^ hV(:5c) 6 
Go Home? 2 

T,, J"SfM Twins',* 3 'actV,^ ^ 
Those Dr/: -....(250) 6 4 

^^'^PV ••:••• .•••••(25c) 9 16 
nr Convict, 5 acts, 2^ 

Tony: (^-^c) 7 4 

Marshal, 4 acts 2li 

T/S- (25c) 6 3 

of Hearts, 4 acts, 2^ hrs. 

'(25c) 6 ig 

- /iJtoStpryland,, I J4 hrs. (2.5c)' 17 23 

/ncle Josh, 4 acts,\2i4 hrs. (25c) 8 3 

;:/nder Blue SkieSs. 4 acts, 2 

hrs (ot; 

Under the Laure'ls,*S 'ac'ts,"2"h 
When the Circus Came to 

lown, 3 acts, 2}4 hrs. (25c) 5 <3 



(2Sc) 7 10 
6 4 



T.S.DENISON ac^^!^^^!;!:'^!!'^;^^ 



SAFETY FIRST 



AN AMERICAN FARCE-COMEDY 
In Three Acts 



BY 

SHELDON PARMER 

AUTHOR OF 

'An Arizona Cowboy'' and ''Lighthouse Na?i'' 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



4^ J' 






SAFETY FIRST V 

CHARACTERS. 

Jack Montgomery A Young Husband 

Jerry Arnold , . . .An Unsnccessful Fixer 

Mr. McNutt A Defective Detective 

Elmer Flannel Aivfully Shrinking 

Abou Ben Mocha A Turk from Turkey 

]\Iabel Montgomery Jack's Wife, Pity Her! 

Virginia Bridger Her Young Sister 

Mrs. Barrington-Bridger Their Mamma 

"Zuleika A Tender Turkish Maiden 

Mary Ann O'Finnerty An Irish Cook Lady 

Time — Today. 

Place — In the Suburbs of a Large City. 

Time of Playing — Tzvo Hours and Fifteen Minutes. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act L Sitting room in Jack's HI home in the suburbs. 

What happened to Zuleika. 
Act II. Same scene, a month later. What happened to 

Jack and Jerry. 
Act III. Mrs. Bridger's garden. Three weeks later. 

What happened to Mary Ann. 

Note to audience: The curtain will be lowered a few mo- 
ments during the third act to indicate a lapse of three hours. 

Notice. — Production of this play is free to amateurs, but the sole 
professional rights are reserved by the author, who may be ad- 
dressed in care of the Publishers. Moving picture rights re- 
served. 0^,^ ^^...^^ ^ 

^^^__^ 917, BY EBEN H. NORipS. ^^ 

TMP96-006T70 3 ^^ 






^ 



SAFETY FIRST 



STORY OF THE PLAY. 

This new and sparkling farce has a story of sustained 
interest, abounding in mirth-provoking situations. Its lead- 
ing role is that of an innocent and inoffensive young hus- 
band, Jack Montgomery, who is plunged into the abyss of 
the law after trying to rescue a Turkish maiden from the 
hands of the police. Jack and his chum Jerry visit Zuleika 
to aid the interests of Jack's cousin, Elmer Flannel, a shrink- 
ing young man. Jack, Jerry and Zuleika are arrested and 
sentenced to thirty days in jail. 

In order to keep the disgrace from Jack's wife, ]\Iabel, 
and Jerry's fiancee, Virginia, they tell theni that they are 
going to a convention of Shriners by boat. The scheme 
works and Mabel and Virginia bid them a tearful fare- 
w^ell. In the second act the ladies have received word from 
the steamboat company that Jack and Jerry are not to be 
found on board and have probably been washed overboard 
and drowned. They are heart-broken and don deep mourn- 
ing for the loved ones they never expect to see again. 

Jack and Jerry, in jail, know nothing of this, and when 
their thirty days expire they return to the ladies full of 
joy and explanations of their wonderful trip to Florida. It 
takes some tall explaining to show why they were not 
drowned, and when Mrs. Bridger, the mother of the girls, 
learns that Zuleika has been missing for thirty days, she 
naturally thinks that she accompanied the boys to Florida. 
Mabel decides to return to her mother's roof and never 
see Jack again. 

The third act straightens out the tangle after a series of 
laughable events culminating in an elopement down a lad- 
der in which Jack, who thinks he is eloping with Mabel, 
his wife, finds that the lady he is running away with is 
the Irish cook, ]\Iary Ann O'Finnerty. 

The play moves briskly along with culminating effect, 
incident succeeds incident, and the act endings are quick 
and snappy with plenty of movement for everybody. The 
characters are equally balanced, as everyone in the play has 



SAFETY FIRST 



a great opportunity to impress the audience and add to the 
laughable situations. This play will prove a success even 
in the hands of the youngest or most inexperienced actors, 
and will please any kind of an audience, however finicky. 



SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAM. 

Act I. Jack's lil suburban home. A misplaced husband. 
"He kissed me good-bye at eighteen minutes after seven last 
night, and I haven't laid eyes on him since." The Irish maid 
is full of sympathy but she imagines a crime has been com- 
mitted. Elmer, the college boy, drops in. And the terrible 
Turk drops out. "Sure the boss has eloped wid a Turkey !" 
Jerry and Jack come home after a horrible night. Expla- 
nations. "We joined the Shriners, Vm the Exalted Im- 
ported Woggle and Jack is the Bazook !" A detective on the 
trail. Warrants for John Doe, Richard Roe and Mary 
Moe. A bright idea. "We're on our way to Florida!" 
Jack's wife decides to go with him ! 

Act IL A month later. Jack and Jerry reported drowned 
at sea. The Terrible Turk looking for Zuleika. The return 
of the prodigals. Ghosts ! Some tall explanations are in 
order. "I never was drowned in all my life, was I, Jerry?" 
"\\'e were lashed to a mast and we floated and floated and 
floated!" A couple of heroes. The Terrible Turk hunting 
for Jack and Jerry. "A Turk never injures an insane man." 
Jack feigns insanity. Mary Ann spills the beans and Mrs. 
Bridger gets excited. "We are leaving this roof forever !" 
The end of a perfect day. 

Act III. Mrs. Bridger's garden. Elmer and Zuleika 
start on their honeymoon. Mabel forgives Jack, but her 
mamma does not. They decide to elope. Jerry's scheme 
works. The two McNutts. "Me middle name is George 
Washington, and I cannot tell a lie." The detective falls 
in the well. "It's. his ghost!" Jack and Jerry preparing for 
the elopement. Mary Ann appears at the top of the ladder. 
A slight mistake. "It's a burglar, mum, I've got him !" The 
Terrible Turk finds his Zuleika. Happiness at last. 



1 



SAFETY FIRST 5 

PROPERTIES. 

Act I. 
Draperies for doors and window. 
Large table with fancy cover. 

Work basket, hand bell, books, magazines on table. 
Three easy chairs. 
Sofa or couch. 

Piano and desk (not essential). 
Fireplace and bookcase (not essential). 
Telephone on desk. 
Hat rack. Rain coat on it. 
Several pots of flowers and palms. 
Several sofa cushions. 
Tray. Seltzer bottle. Glass. 
Turkish fezzes for Elmer and Zuleika. 
Long knife (wood) for Abou. 
Calling card for Abou. 

Glass crash off stage. (Rattle broken crockery in old box.) 
Door bell off stage. 
Note book for McNutt. 
Warrants for McNutt. . 
Roll of bills for Jerry. 

Act IL 
Telegram for Mabel. 
Two grips. 
Sack of oranges. 
Grip for Mabel. 
Dresses, etc., for Virginia. 
Clothes basket for Mary Ann. 

Act IIL 
Well with bucket. 
Bench. 

Hammock (not absolutely essential). 
Rustic table and two chairs. 
Grass mats (not absolutely essential). 
Novel for Virginia. 



6 SAFETY FIRST 

Parasol for Mabel. 

Gun for IMcNutt. 

Two glasses of water. 

Letter for Jerry. 

Ladder. 

Lantern. 

Two large, old-fashioned grips for Mary Ann. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

Jack — Aged about 24. May be played as a nervous little 
man with a small mustache and a lisp, but he has been suc- 
cessfully played as straight juvenile comedy. 

Jerry — Aged about 21. Quick in speech and action. 
This actor should be about the same height and figure as 
McNutt. Costume and make-up in Act III should be iden- 
tical with McNutt. For second scene in the third act wear 
a long auto coat and cap. 

McNutt — Aged 40. Low comedy Irish detective. A 
plain clothes man. Red Vv^ig and whiskers. Eccentric make- 
up to enable Jerry to duplicate it in Act III. 

Elmer — Aged 21. College clothes. 

Abou — Large man with powerful voice. Aged 50. 
Swarthy make-up but modern clothes. 

]\Iabel — Aged 19. A nervous young wife. Wear wid- 
ow's costume in Act II. 

Virginia — Aged 18. Wear black in Act II. 

]\Irs. BRiDGER^Tall and commanding. Gray hair. Long 
dresses. Lorgnette. 

ZuLEiKA — A brunette, aged 19. Turkish costume of 
black and silver in Act I. Silver spangled veil, fez, etc. 
Handsome dress of red chiffon in third act, with hat, gloves, 
parasol, shoes, etc., to match. 

Mary Ann — Aged 40. Portly figure, red wig parted in 
middle and in knob at back. Calico dress and gingham 
apron in Act I. Black dress with white linen cap, collar, 
apron and cuffs in Act II. Same dress in Act IH, but 



SAFETY FIRST 7 

white lace cap and apron trimmed with green ribbon. This 
role might be assumed by a man, but this is not recom- 
mended. 



SUGGESTIONS FOR SMALL STAGES. 

The scenes described in the text of this book need not 
be followed to the letter upon small stages. A simple room 
with two entrances is all that is needed for the first and 
second act. Screens may be arranged to form the scenery 
and window curtains tacked on the wall will suggest the 
window. The hall and stairvv^ay with much of the heavier 
furniture, may be omitted entirely. 

For the garden scene a brick wall may be easily con- 
structed by a wooden frame with brick paper tacked on it. 
This paper may be ordered from any book-store and is 
the kind usually on sale at Christmas time. With this 
home-made wall, a green carpet, several plants in boxes 
and boughs of real trees overhanging the stage, a good 
effect of a garden may be had, even in a small hall or par- 
lor. A small set house may be made screen-fashion and 
appear down L., or this may be dispensed with entirely. 
The well is simply a small packing box covered with paper 
painted to represent stones, with three pieces of scantling 
forming an arch for the bucket. 

The costuming may be as simple as desired. Zuleika's 
costume may be made from cheesecloth and spangled shawls, 
the fezzes from red felt with black thread tassels and Zu- 
leika's costume in Act III may be made of red paper mus- 
lin, covered with ruffles of black mosquito-bar edged with 
red tissue paper and a huge red and black hat of tissue 
paper. 



SAFETY FIRST 



SCENE PLOT. 



Acts I and 11. 




^ 



Book 

Case 

Entrance to 
Dining Room 
Chair n 



O 
Stoo 



Note.— Piano and couch are back to back down L, 



Act III. 

Garden Backing 




H h 



Trees 



Hammock 
I I Well 
I IBench 



Rustic Table 



Rustical I □ %W° \ 
Chair I lRjJstic?>VOr Jo 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage; C, center; R. C, right 
center; L., left; i E., first entrance; U. E., upper entrance; 
R. J E., right entrance np stage, etc. ; up stage, away from 
f ootHghts ; down stage, near f ootHghts. The actor is sup- 
posed to be facing the audience. 



SAFETY FIRST 



Act I. 



Scene: Living room in Jack Montgomery's snhnrhan 
home. The room is handsomely furnished. Two entrances 
open on the stage, one at L. j E. is' an ordinary door leading 
to the other rooms of the house, one at rear C, referred 
to as C. E., is a large arched entrance showing a hall be- 
yond and a flight of steps leading up and off L. Large 
zvindow at R. about half-zifay between the footlights and 
the rear scene. 

The room is finished in some light color, preferably blue, 
and the hall that shozvs at C. E. is finished in a dark color. 
Draperies at each door to match the scenery, zvhite curtains 
at windozv. Large table dozvn R. C. zvith three easy chairs 
around it. Sofa or couch dozvn L. Piano behind couch, 
bctzvecn footlights and door L. Writing desk dozvn R. 
zvith telephone on it. Fireplace zvith mantel and fender, 
etCx, in upper R. corner. Book-case in upper L. corner. 
Hat rack in hall. 

Several pots of flozvers, preferably red, dress the stage, 
on table, on piano, book-case and mantel. Tall piano lamp 
stands by piano. Small chairs as desired, but do not ciiozvd 
the stage. Palms in front of the zvindow. The general 
effect must be that of a cosy, comfortable living room. 
Books and magazines on table, writing material on desk, 
pictures on zvall. Neat carpet or medallion down. Chan- 
delier. Several bright red cushions around the stage. 
Work basket on table. 

Lights on full throughout the first act. House-lights half 
down. Strong zvhite lights shine on stage through zvindozu 
and doors. 

The curtain rises to lively music that stops as soon as 
Mary Ann enters. Mabel Montgomery is discovered 
stretched out on couch, sobbing, her face buried in cushions. 

9 



10 SAFETY FIRST 

Slight pause for audience to absorb the scene. Then enter 
j\Iary Ann from L. ^ E. 

Mary Ann {at rear C, looking around). •Mrs. ]\Iont- 
gomery, mum? 

Mabel Montgomery {on couch, sobs loudly). 

I\Iary Ann. Fer the love of Mike! {Comes dozvn to 
Mabel.) Excuse me, mum. 

Mabel {looks up). What is it, Kitty? 

Mary Ann. It ain't Kittie. It's Mary Ami, mum. 

Mabel. Yes, I know. Kittie was the girl who left yes- 
terday. Is there any news of Mr. Montgomery? 

Mary Ann. Sorry a thing. 

Mabel. No messenger or telephone call or telegram or 
anything ? 

Mary Ann. Not that I've heard, mum. What I was 
wantin' to know was whether I should warm up the break- 
fast again. I've done it three times already, and it's nearly 
tin o'clock, mum. 

Mabel {springs up). Ten o'clock? {Paces stage from R. 
to L. at front.) Oh, I don't know what to do! Such a 
thing has never happened before in all our married life. 
And we've been married nearly two years. He kissed me 
good-bye at eighteen minutes after seven last night, by that 
clock, and I haven't laid eyes on him since. Oh, I'm so 
miserable ! I don't know what to do. 

Mary Ann {pacing stage at rear from R. to L. trying 
to keep up with Mabel). • Nayther do I, mum. 

Mabel. I've a good notion to pack up all my things and 
leave this house forever. I'll go home. I'll go home to 
mother and sister. {Sits.) 

Mary Ann {comes dozvn C). There, there, mum, sure 
I wouldn't do that. I've been a married woman meself, 
being now a widow for the past tin years, and many's the 
time me ould man failed to show up, sometimes fer three 
days at a time. Sure there's nothin' to worry about, mum, 
it's a way men has and, be they good er be they bad, sure 
they ain't worth troublin' about at all, at all. 

Mabel. But Jack never did such a thing before. 



SAFETY FIRST 11 

Mary Ann. Sure, he's got to begin sometime, and it 
might as well be now. 

Mabel. You've never seen my husband, Mary Ann, or 
you would never suggest such a thing. Every woman in 
town envies me. He's the most devoted husband in {Insert 
name of town zuhere' play is given)'. 

Mary Ann. Is he now? Well, then, mum, maybe he's 
been held up and murdered by the bandits. I was readin' 
only last wake about a man who kissed his wife good-bye 
one night and wint down town and he was niver seen again. 
All they ever found was his head in one place and his fate 
in another and his — 

Mabel (sobbing). Oh, oh! Jack's killed, I know he is. 
I know it ! I know it ! I dreamed about him last night and 
I am sure something terrible has happened. 

Mary Ann. I wouldn't worry, mum, if I was you. 
Maybe he ain't dead at all, at all. INIaybe he wint down to 
the Club and got mixed up in a frindly little game of penny 
ante, or casino. Men do that sometimes, mum, especially 
the married ones. 

Mabel. Oh, but Jack would never do such a thing, 
Mary Ann, and besides he doesn't know how to play cards. 

Mary Ann. Maybe they're tachin' him, and that's why 
it takes so long. Where did he say he was going when he 
wint out last night? 

Mabel. He said he had a little business down town. 

Mary Ann. A httle business, is it? And was there 
anyone with him, mum? 

Mabel. Yes, Mr. Arnold was with him. 

Mary Ann. Ah, ha! And who is Mr. Arnold? 

Mabel. He's Jack's best friend. He's engaged to marry 
my sister, Virginia. 

Mary Ann. Then there's nothin' at all to worry about, 
mum. Belike the boss staid all night with Mr. Arnold. 

Mabel. No, I thought of that. I telephoned to his house 
and his mother said that he was going to spend the night 
here. 

Mary Ann (suspiciously). Ah, ha! He's trym' to throw 



12 • SAFETY FIRST 

his own mother off'n the trail. It's a plot, mum, a deep- 
laid plot. Sure, I'm thinkin' that this Mr. Arnold's mur- 
dered your husband and run off with his jools. 

j^.Iabel. Oh, impossible ! Mr. Arnold is a perfect gen- 
tleman. 

Mary Ann. Sometimes them kind is the very worstest 
ones, mum. I saw a picture show once where a man w^as 
murdered in cold blood wid a knife stickin' in him right 
under the garden gate. And it was his best friend who 
committed the murder, mum, him being interested in- the 
other gent's money. If I was you, sure I'd telephone to 
the Chafe of Police at once, mum. 

AIabel. Oh, no, ]\Iary Ann, I'm sure nothing serious 
has happened to Jack. 

Mary Ann. Ye can niver be sure, mum. It's a bad 
sign, so it is. Me coming here to work only yesterday, and 
niver layin' eyes on the boss at ail, at all — and the first 
night I'm in the house he mysteriously disappears. {CJiaugcs 
tone from sympafhetic to business.) What'll I do about 
the breakfast, mum? 

Mabel. Throw it away, Mary Ann. (Weeps.) Oh, I've 
given up all hope. I'll never see my husband again. (Sit- 
ting on conch.) 

Mary Ann (sniffs a little, zvipes her eyes on apron, 
finally zvecps loudly). Aw, don't say that, mum, husbands 
is hard to kill, so they are. 

Mabel. He'd never stay from home of his own free 
will. There's been a crime committed, Mary Ann, a deep, 
dark, desperate crime. 

]\Iary Ann. Maybe they've captured him and took him 
off to war. 

INIabel. No, he's dead, I'm sure. (Sobs.) And I'm a 
widow. 

Mary Ann. You'd make a lovely lookin' widdy, mum. 
Black ought to be rale becomin' to you. 

Mabel (sobs loudly). Oh, ]\Iary Ann! 

Mary Ann. Sure, I'll be goin' into the kitchen now and 
throw the breakfast away. But you'd better let me make 



SAFETY FIRST 13 

you a cup of tay, mum, yer all nervous and excited. 

Mabel. I couldn't drink it. Bring me some lemon and 
seltzer. 

]\Iary Ann. . Wid a stick in it, mum? 

IMabel. Certainly not. Bring a little lemon soda in a 
glass and the bottle of seltzer from the refrigerator. 

Mary Ann. Yis, mum. {Crosses to door L. j E., looks 
at audience.) Begorry, I'll be after drinkin' the stick meself 
in the kitchen. {Winks at audience and exits L. j E.) 

Mabel {crosses to telephone on desk, R. i). Hello, 
central! (Pause.) Hello! Give me two eight one Green. 
{Pause.) Hello, hello! {Rattles hook nervously.) Hello! 
Is that you, Virginia? Where's mamma? {Pause.) To the 
dressmakers? Oh, Virginia, I'm in such awful trouble, 
{Pause.) Yes, it's Jack. Jack and Jerry Arnold, too. 
{Pause.) Oh, I can't tell 3^ou over the telephone, it's too 
terrible. Take a taxi and come here at once. {Pause.) No, 
don't stop to dress ; come just as you are. Hurry, Vir- 
ginia, because I'm a desperate woman. Good-bye. {Hangs 
up the receiver.) 

Enter ]\Iary Ann from L. j E. carrying a tray on zvliich 
are a bottle of seltzer and a glass half-full of lemon soda 
pop. She comes down behind the table at R. C. Mabel 
is at R. I E. 

]\Iary Ann. There's yer lemon sody pop and there's 
yer seltzer. I've left the stick in the kitchen. {Tries to 
pour seltzer in glass.) 

Mabel {referring to seltzer bottle). No, no, Mary Ann, 
just press the handle. 

Mary Ann {puzzled). Press the handle, is it? {She 
does so and receives a spray of seltzer in the face.) Oh, 
worry, worry, it's drowned I am.' What kind of a thing 
is that, mum? It wint off like a firecracker. 

]\Iabel. Never mind, Mary Ann. I don't care for it. 
I don't care for anything. Put it on the table. 

]\Iary Ann {places tray on table). Yis, mum. I throwed 
the breakfast all out. I've given up all hopes of ever seein' 
the boss again in this life. Like as not yer husband was 



14 SAFETY FIRST 

throwed in the river, mum. I seen such a thing in a picture 
show oncet and they didn't find the body fer two wakes. 

Mabel. Oh, Mary Ann ! Don't harrow my f eehngs in 
that way. 

Mary Ann. No, mum, I won't. But if ye'll Hsten to 
me ye'll put the police on the case at oncet, mum. It's me 
belafe that this Mr. Arnold murdered the boss for his money 
and burned up the body in a lime-kiln. I saw that oncet on 
the stage. 

Mabel. That will do, Mary Ann. You mustn't talk so 
much. 

]\Iary Ann (crossing to L. j E.). Yis, mum, I heard you. 
But it would be a awful thing to be the widdy of a man 
who was burned up in a lime-kiln. Sure, there'd be no 
remains at all, at all. {Exit L. j E.) 
Enter Elmer Flannel from C. E. zvcaring a Turkish fez. 

Elmer Flannel. Mornitig, Mabel! What's the row? 

Mabel {at R. i E. tearfully). Oh, Elmer, it's Jack! 

Elmer. Little matrimonial tiff, Ed say it was. 

Mabel. Nothing of the sort. Jack and I never have 
tiffs. You haven't seen him, have you? 

Elmer. No. Isn't he here? 

Mabel {dramatically) . He is not. He hasn't set foot 
in this house since eighteen minutes after seven last night. 

Elmer {coolly). Don't worry about him, Mabel. Jack 
can take care of himself. He probably went to the city and 
missed the last train back. 

Mabel. You think he is safe? 

Elmer. I'd say he was. You can't lose Jack. 

Mabel. Then why didn't he take the first train in this 
morning ? 

Elmbr. Overslept, probably. I always do. 

Mabel. He's with Jerry Arnold. I just telephoned 
Virginia. She's coming right over. 

Elmer. Now don't worry, Mabel, about Jack and Jerry. 
They're all right. I'd say they are. 

Mabel {drying her eyes). But nothing like this ever 
happened before, and we've been marri.ed two years. 



SAFETY FIRST 15 

Elmer. Just my luck. I've got to see Jack this morn- 
ing. . It's a case of life and death with me. 
Mabel. Why aren't you at college? 
Elmer. Going to town to see the Shriners leave for the 
convention today. We're going to give them a big send off. 
I'd say we were. 

Mabel. That isn't any excuse for cutting school. You 
ought to be ashamed of yourself, and you a senior, too. ^ 

Elmer. That's just what I want to see Jack about. I'm 
going to leave college. 

Mabel. Elmer Flannel, you're not! 
Elmer. I'd say I am. What's the use of spending hours 
studying astronomy and things? I'm going to get a job. 
Mabel. A job? 

Eli^ier. Ticket taker for a moving picture show. 
Mabel. Ticket taker? Oh, Elmer ! 

Elmer. It isn't very swell, is it? But it's a start, and 
all I need is a start. I'm going to get twelve dollars a week, 
and I couldn't do any better than that if I staid in college 
and graduated. It isn't much, but we'll manage to make 
it do. 

IMabel. We? Wcf What do you mean by we? 
Elmer. I mean, me. I mean, I. 
Mabel. You said we. 

Elmer. A slip of the tongue. I'd say it was. I was 
thinking in French. Oui means yes, you know. 

Mabel (severely). Elmer Flannel, are you thinking of 
getting married? 

Elmer. Well, what of it? 
Mabel. Who is it? 
Elmer. You don't know her. 

Mabel. Oh, Elmer, you're too young to get married. ^ 
Elmer. Oh, no; that's why I'm leaving college,^ that's 
why I've accepted the twelve dollar a week job, that's why 
Em here this morning to see my cousin. I called him up 
yesterday and told him all about her. Oh, Mabel, she's a 
"dream, a little Turkish dream. 



16 SAFETY FIRST 

Mabel. Turkish dream? What do you mean by Turk- 
ish dream? 

Elmer. I explained everything to Jack and I suppose I 
might as well tell you. I'm going to marry a Turkish girl. 

Mabel. A Turkish girl? I never heard of such a thing. 
There aren't any Turkish girls here, except on cigarette 
advertisements. 

Elmer. She isn't here, she's in the city. 

Mabel. What does she do in the city? 

Elmer. Her father is the manager of a cigar company. 
Oh, Mabel, you'll simply love her to death when you see 
her. She's got the peachiest eyes, and we're going to be 
married on Sunday. 

Mabel. You say you told Jack about her? 

Elmer. Yes, I phoned him yesterday. I told him every- 
thing. 

Mabel. And what did he say? 

Elmer. Oh, he was suspicious as usual. He told me 
to come over this morning and we'd talk it over. 

Mabel. Elmer, something has happened to Jack. ]\Iaybe 
he's been held up and murdered or something. 

Elmer. Nonsense. He'll be in on the ten thirty train. 

Mabel {walking up and dozvn). I'm so worried I don't 
know what to do, and now you, the only cousin Jack's got 
in the world, you say you're going to marry a Turk. 

Elmer {foUozving her). She can't help it because she's 
a Turk, can she? And she's got the peachiest eyes — 

Mabel {interrupting tearfully). And going to take tick- 
ets in a picture show — 

Elmer: And every time she looks at you, you feel just 
like you're in Heaven or some place. 

Mabel. Oh, Elmer, what will Jack say? 

Elmer {loudly). I don't care what he says. I don't care 
what anyone says. I'm going to be married on Sunday. 

]\Iabel {crying and zuringing her hands). And Jack not 
home, probably lying in some dark hole in the city with his 
brains knocked out. 

Elmer {loudly). I tell you his brains aren't knocked 



SAFETY FIRST 17 

out. He'll be home on the morning train. (Both zvalking 
up and down, excitedly.) 

Enter Mary Ann from L. j E. She follows them, walk- 
ing up and dozun. 

Mary Ann. What is it, mum? Whatever is the matter? 
Have yeez all gone bug-house ? 

Mabel {hysterically). -Oh, ]\Iary Ann! Jack isn't home 
and Elmer's in love with a Turk ! 

Mary Ann. In love wid a Turkey, is he? Begorry, I'll 
holler for the police. She's crazy as a loon. 

Elmer. Be calm, Mabel, be calm. There isn't any use 
to get so excited. 

JMabel. I will get excited ! It's enough to make anyone 
excited. 

Mary Ann. Of course it is, mum. I'm excited meself. 
{All pacing up and down.) 

Mabel. Jack's been murdered ! 

Elmer. . Nonsense ! 

Mary Ann. That's what I've been tellin' you all the 
time, mum. Just like I saw it in the picture show. And 
maybe thrown in the river and burned up in a lime-kiln. 

Mabel {sinks in chair R. C). Oh! {Sobs and buries 
face in hands.) 

Elmer. Here, here ! Get her some w^ater or something. 
She's going to faint. {Holds*glass of soda to her lips.) 

Mary Ann. Help, help! {Grabs the seltzer bottle and 
zvaves it around.) She's going to faint. {Squirts it on 
Elmer.) 

Elmer. Put it down ! Put it down and go to the kitchen. 

Mabel {recovering). Oh, Mary Ann, he isn't here yet. 

Mary Ann {points to Elmer). Ain't that him? {To 
Elmer.) Sure, ye ought to be ashamed of yerself, so ,ye 
ought ! Stayin' out all night and givin*^ me and the missus 
the both of us the high-sterics wid worry and excitement. 

Mabel. That isn't Jack, Mary Ann. That is Cousin 
Elmer. 

Elmer. Yes, and Cousin Elmer would like something 
to eat. 



18 SAFETY FIRST 

Mabel. Something to eat? 

Mary Ann. Something to eat, is it? 

Elmer. Yes. I ran over here as soon as I got up. I 
haven't had a bite. 

Mabel. Get him some breakfast, ]\Iary Ann. And 
then, Ehner, you must take us over to the pohce-station. 
I'm going to find my husband. 

]\Iary Ann. The pohce-station^ is it? Begorry, he'll 
take me to no police-station. 

Mabel. No, no. Just Virginia and myself. Go into 
the dining room, Elmer. And please hurry, ]\Iary Ann. 

Elmer (crosses to L.jE.) Don't worry, Mabel. Jack'll 
be in on the ten thirty train {Exits L., leaving fez on 
table.) 

]\Iabel. Now hurry up, Mary Ann. I'm looking for my 
sister any minute. 

INIary. Ann. Yes'm, I'm going, mum. Did ye say that 
man is yer cousin, mum? 

Mabel. He is Mr. Montgomery's cousin. 

Mary Ann. Sure, he looks crooked to me. Maybe he's 
the villain who kidnapped the boss last night and has come 
around to throw you ofif'n the trail. I'll bet he's in cahoots 
with the other wan, the Mr. Arnold. 

Mabel. Oh, no ! Elmer came over to see Jack. 

Mary Ann. I have me suspicions, mum. Sure, I think 
there's a gang of 'em. Maybe they throwed the boss in a 
sewer. I've heard tell of men's cousins killin' 'em fer the 
money that 'ud be left them in the will. It's a plot and a con- 
spiracy. {Sees fez on table.) Look at that thing on the 
table, mum. What is it? 

Mabel. It's a hat, Mary Ann. 

IMary Ann {triumphantly). It's a disguise, mum. 
That's what it is, a disguise. 

Mabel. Elmer is a Shriner and that's his hat. 

Mary Ann. A shiner, is he? And what does he shine? 
Shoes? 

Mabel. No, no, it's a lodge he belongs to. The T>.Iystic 
Shrine. 



SAFETY FIRST 19 

Mary Ann. For the love of Mike ! Is he one of them 
things? Then it's all up wid yer husband, mum. Ye'U 
niver lay eyes on him again. 

]\Iabel. Oh, Mary Ann, please don't say such awful 
things. Hurry and get Elmer something to eat. 

Mary Ann. Yes, mum, I'll do that. But it's small won- 
der the boss has disappeared. (At door L. 5 E.) Whin men 
go about disguised in hats like them and call themselves 
Shiners, sure the worst is to be expected, mum, and the 
saints alone knows w^hat that'll be. (Exit L. j E.) 

Enter Virginia Bridger from C. E. 

Virginia Bridger. Mabel, w^hat is it? What has hap- 
pened? Wliere is Jack? Have you and he quarreled? iVnd 
what is all the excitement about? And where is Jerry? 
And how is he connected with it? 

Mabel (dozvn L., runs into Virginia's arms). Oh, 
Ginia! (Sobs.) Jack has disappeared. 

Virginia. Where has he disappeared to? 

Mabel. I don't know. He and Jerry left here at eigh- 
teen minutes after seven last night, and I haven't seen either 
one of them since. Oh, I'm so wretched. 

Virginia (leading her to conch). There, there, sis, don't 
be a little goose. (They sit on the couch.) 

Mabel. I'm not a little goose, Virginia Bridger, and 
when I'm all unstrung like this and Jack isn't here, I think 
you're a cat to call me a goose. (Changes tone.) And El- 
mer is going to be married. 

Virginia. Not really? 

Mabel. Yes, he's in the dining room now. He's going 
to leave college and take tickets in a picture show at twelve 
dollars a week. And he's going to marry a Turk. 

Virginia. Mabel ! You'd better go to your room and 
take a rest. I'll ring for the doctor. 

Mabel. You'll do nothing of the kind. He's going to 
take us to the police-station. 

Virginia (rises alarmed). Your uncle's second wife, 
Caroline, died in the insane asylum, Mabel Montgomery. 
You'd better calm yourself and let me get a doctor. 



20 SAFETY FIRST 

jMabel. Don't be absurd, Virginia Bridger. I'm just as 
sane as you are. I'm only worried about Jack. And if you 
cared half as much about Jerry as you pretend to you'd 
be worried too. 

Virginia. Jack probably staid all night with Jerry. 

Mabel. He did not. Jerry's mother said they were 
going to spend the night here. 

Virginia. Here? Then it Avas premeditated. We shall 
investigate this proceeding, Mabel, and if Jerry Arnold 
has deceived me I'll break the engagement and give him 
back his solitaire. 

Mabel. That's just what I want to do. Elmer is going 
to take us over to see the Chief of Police. i\Iaybe some- 
thing's happened to them. 

Virginia. Haven't you had a telegram or vi phone call 
or anything? 

Mabel. Not a word, and I'm nearly worried to death. 
x-And then on top of that Elmer is acting perfectly dreadful. 
He says he is going to marry a Turkish girl on Sunday. 

Enter Elmer from L. j E. 

Elmer. And I'd say that's just what he's going to do. 

Virginia. A Turkish girl? Is she with a side-show? 

Elmer. Certainly not. She's a mystic. 

]\Iabel. a what? 

Elmer. A clairvoyant, but she has the peachiest eyes — 

Mabel. Elmer Flannel, you're not going to bring any 
fortune-telling clairvoyant into my family. 

Virginia. I should say not ! 

Elmer (dozvn C). If your family don't like it they'll 
have to do the next thing. I'm not so sure she'd want to 
be in your family anyway. 

]\Iabel. How dare you! The Barrington-Bridgers are 
the leaders of the social set and you know it. 

Virginia. Certainly. Everybody knows it. 

Elmer. But think of the scandal. 

]\Iabel. What scandal? 

Elmer. Where is your husband? 

Mabel. That's so. I'd forgotten all about my husband. 



SAFETY FIRST 21 

Wait here a minute till I get my hat and we'll find out 
where he is. (Exits L.) 

Elmer. 1 don't see why she's kicking up such a row. 
Lots of men stay away from home all night. 

Virginia {shocked). Elmer! I'm surprised. 

Elmer. I mean they miss their train and things. 

Virginia. I'm sure the police will be able to help us. 

Enter Mabel from L. zvearing hat. 

Elmer. I'm not going. 

Mabel. Of course you are. We can't go to the station 
house by ourselves. 

Elmer. I've got to be at the Shrine Hall by noon. We're 
going* to escort the delegates to the boat. I'd say it was 
some trip, all the way from New York to Jacksonville by 
water. (Puts on fez.) 

Virginia. Surely you're not going to wear that thing 
over to the police-station? 

Elmer. They do look rather funny, don't they? (Re- 
moves fez, takes cap from pocket.) Come on, I'm ready. 
But if I help you find Jack and Jerry you've b'oth got to 
promise to be nice to Zuleika. (Puts fez on table.) 

Virginia. Zuleika? 

Mabel. What's a Zuleika? 

Elmer. That's her name. And she's got the peachiest — 

Mabel. Oh, hurry up! (Crosses to C. E.) I'm so ner- 
vous I don't know what I'm doing. Virginia, you don't 
think any terrible thing could have happened to Jack, do 
you? 

Virginia. Oh, I guess Jack can take care of himself, 
and if he can't Jerry's with him! 

The three are in an oblique line facing C. E., Mabel in 
doonvay, Elmer dozvn R. C, back of table, Virginia half- 
way bctzveen them. Enter from rear L. Abou Ben Mocha. 
He advances to C. E. and stands facing AIabel. 

Abou Ben ]Mocha. Stop, I command you. Stop! 
Mabel. I beg pardon? 
Virginia. Who are you? 



22 SAFETY FIRST 

Elmer. What do you want here? 

Mabel. We were just going out. 

Virginia. And we can't see you. 

El^ier. And we don't want to buy anything this morn- 
ing. {All these speeches since Abou's enirance are spoken 
rapidly and loudly.) 

Abou {loudly). Stop! I command you! This is the 
house of Meester Jack Montgomery? Yes? {Slight pause.) 
No? 

Elmer. Yes, it is. 

Abou. Then you are the man for whom I am looking. 
{Draws long knife, creeps toward Elmer^ coining dozvn C. 
Ladies scream and cling together.) 

Elmer {creeping around table, keeping table between 
himself and Abou). What are you looking for me for? 

Abou. My child ! ]\Iy only child ! Where is my child ? 
{Back of table, Elmer in front of it, his back to audience.) 

Elmer. What chfld ? I haven't got any child. 

Abou. My leetla almond blossom, she has disappeared. 
Zuleika has disappeared ! 

All {astonished). Zuleika? 

Abou. All last night she did not return home. This 
morning she did not return. I, myself, Abou Ben Mocha, 
go to her store. She was not there. Zuleika had disap- 
peared. The door was broken, the furniture was broken, 
the window was broken and my Zuleika I could not find. 
But I found this! {Produces calling-card.) A card. And 
on it the name, INIeester Jack Montgomery and the address 
of this house. {Starts after Elmer.) If you are Jack 
Montgomery, what have you done with my Zuleika? .Give 
her back to me, or I'll kill you ! 

Elmer. Stop ! I'm not Jack Montgomery. I'm Elmer 
Flannel. 

Abou. Flannel ? Flannel ? Ah, ha ! That is why you are 
so shrinking. 

Elmer. I am engaged to marry your daughter, Zuleika. 

Abou {screams). What! Marry her! {Rushes after 



SAFETY FIRST 23 

him. Elmer runs up and Mabel and Virginia stand be- 
tween the tzvo men.) 

Mabel {calling). Mary Ann! Mary Ann! Help, help! 
(Abou seizes Mabel by wrist and flings her into chair 
dozvn R. Flings Virginia into chair down L. Grabs El- 
mer, drags him dozvn C, Elmer on his knees. Ladies 
scream. Quick action.) 

Enter Mary Ann from L. 

Abou. Then where is she? Where is my Zuleika? 
Speak, or you die! {Holds knife at his breast. Mary Ann 
seizes seltzer bottle and squirts seltzer in Abou^s face. He 
drops knife and staggers back.) 

Elmer. Quick, Mary Ann, help me! {They grab Abou, 
rush him to C. E. and Elmer kicks him out. Noise of 
bumping heard, as he is supposed to fall dozvn stairs. 
Pause, then glass crash.) 

Mary Ann. Begorry, he's just dropped into the con- 
servatory. 

Virginia. What does it all mean? 

Mabel. It means that my husband has eloped! 
{Loudly.) Eloped! 

All. Eloped ? 

Mabel. Eloped with a Turk. 

Mary Ann. With a Turkey? Fer the love of Mike! 

Elmer. With my Zuleika? Come, girls, let us hurry 
to the police-station. 

Mabel. Oh, the villain, the base, double-dyed deceiver! 
{Pushes her hat over one eye.) Come, we will notify the 
police. {Seizes Virginia and Elmer and drags them to 
C. E.) I'll have revenge, revenge! {Exits C. E., dragging 
Elmer and Virginia with her.) 

Mary Ann {crosses dozvn to table, puts seltzer bottle on 
table, sees glass of soda, drinks it. Sits comfortably down 
at L. of table, her feet extended in front of her, gives a 
long sigh of comfort). Sure, I'm going to get me another 
position, fer if you ask my opinion, I think the missus is 
bug-house, sayin' her husband eloped with a Turkey and 
that shiner man wid the funny red hat! {Laughs.) The 



24 SAFETY FIRST 

poor nut! And the ginny wid the knife, wavin' it over his 
head ! Begorry, I'm thinkin' this is a lunatic asylum, wid 
such quare goings on. (Takes telephone receiver.) Hello, 
hello, cintral! (Pause.) What number do I want? Seven 
six four eleven Grane, plaze ! (Pause.) Hello! Are you 
there? Who is it? (Pause.) Honoria McGinty, I'd niver 
have recognized yer voice in the wide world. Where's 
McNutt? (Pause.) Not there? Yer brother not there? 
(Pause.) Hasn't been home all night! (To audience.) 
Well, what do you know about that? He hasn't been home 
all night. Sure, I think it's a epidemic. (In receiver.) 
Niver mind, Honoria, a policeman's lot is not a happy one. 
]\Iaybe he's out on a case ! I'll call up later. Good-bye. 
(Hangs up receiver.) 

Enter ^Mrs. Barrin.gton-Bridger from C. E. 

Mrs. Barrington-Bridger. My daughter! Where is 
she? 

Mary Ann (startled). And who is your daughter? 

Mrs, B. I am Mrs. Barrington-Bridger. Airs. Mont- 
gomery is my daughter. You're the new maid, aren't you? 

]\Iary Ann. Yis, mum. I came yisterday and I'm laving 
today. 

I\Irs. B. Mabel called up the house and told Virginia 
to come over right away, that something terrible has* hap- 
pened. The butler told me. I hurried over just as soon as 
I could. Where are they? 

Mary Ann. They've gone, mum. To the police-station. 

Mrs. B. (astounded). The police-station? 

Mary Ann. Sure, the boss has eloped, mum. Wid a 
Turkey. 

Mrs, B. My son-in-law eloped? Oh, this is terrible! 
Are you sure? 

Mary Ann. Yis, mum. That's why they all run over 
to the police-station. They're after him. 

Mrs. B, Then I must follow them. Oh, if this disgrace 
should get into the papers ! How could Jack have done such 
a thing? He must be insane. (Hurries out C. E.) 

Mary Ann. If you ask me my opinion I'd say the whole 



SAFETY FIRST 25 

bunch Is insane. I'll pack my trunk, give the missus a 
wake's notice and lave at once. (Exits L.) 

Pause. ''Creepy'' music. The face of Jerry Arnold 
appears at the zvindozv at R. He peers in, then opens zviri- 
dozu and slozvly climbs in. He looks all around the stage, 
then crosses to zvindovu and looks out and dozvn. 

Jerry Arnold. It's all right. There isn't anyone here. 
Can you climb up? (Pause, Jack Montgomery groans out- 
side.) That's right. Put your foot there. Come on, you're 
home now. Keep up your courage. (Jack appears at 
zvindozv.) Come on, now, step over. Here, give me your 
hand. Lean on me. 

Jack climbs in at the zvindozv, assisted by Jerry. He 
totters dozvn R. and sinks in chair at R. of table. Jerry 
sinks in chair at rear of table, facing audience. Pause, 
they look at each other and groan in unison. 

Jack Montgomery (zveakly). Are you sure there isn't 
anyone here? (End music.) 

Jerry (looks around). I don't see anyone. 

Jack. Thank goodness for that ! Oh, how can I ever 
explain to my wife? 

Jerry. Don't try. A man who has to explain to his 
wife hasn't got her well trained. 

Jack. I think I had better wash up a bit. (Starts to 
rise, groans and sinks back in chair.) It's my knee. I must 
have bent it when I slid down that water pipe last night ! 
Oh! 

Jerry (crosses to him). And see, you've torn your 
trousers. 

Jack. Yes, I did that when you boosted me into the 
box-car. (Slight pause, then speaking pathetically.) I think 
there must have been a nail in the box-car. 

Jerry. Let me pin it for you. (Takes imaginary pin 
from coat lapel and kneels by Jack.) 

Jack (screams). Ouch! 

Jerry. Beg pardon! 

Jack. Oh, Jerry, I'm a ruined man. The police may be 
here at any minute and drag us both oil to jail. 



26 SAFETY FIRST 

Jerry. It's all your fault. 

Jack {groans). Yes, I suppose it is. I have no right to 
investigate my cousin's love affairs. I wouldn't do it again 
if he married a whole Turkish harem. 

Jerry. We would have been all right if you hadn't 
kicked that policeman in the stomach. 

Jack. I had to kick him somewhere and I was so ex- 
cited that I landed in the first thing handy. 

Jerry. You might have killed him. {Puts hats on hat 
rack in hall.) 

Jack. Maybe I did. I didn't wait to investigate. I 
jumped through the window and slid down the water pipe, 
and when I hit the ground, oh ! 

Jerry. I wonder if he arrested Zuleika. 

Jack. I don't care if he did. She was a heartless 
creature and when I told her she had to give up the idea 
of marrying Elmer — 

Jerry. She laughed in your face. 

Jack. It all seems a horrible nightmare, Jerry. Why 
did we ever go there in the first place? 

Jerry. You offered her a thousand dollars if she'd re- 
fuse to marry your cousin. 

Jack. And then the poHce broke in and arrested her 
for telling fortunes. 

Jerry. And tried to hold us as witnesses. 

Jack. I never Vv^ould have kicked him, Jerry, if he 
hadn't tried to handcuff me. 

Jerry. Then we jumped out of the window. 

Jack. And spent the night in a box-car. Oh, what a 
night ! 

Jerry. We're perfectly safe now, unless Zuleika tells 
them who we are. She didn't know our names, did she? 

Jack. Yes, she did. I gave her my calling card. 

Jerry. What did you do that for? 

Jack. My usual run of bad luck. Oh, how can I ever 
explain to Mabel? And it will all come out in the papers. 
A Fracas at the Fortune Teller's would make a fine head- 
line. 



SAFETY FIRST 27 

Jerry. Yes. Or The Escape of Two Prominent Society 
Men after a Murderous Assault on the PoHce. 

Jack. I wonder where Mabel is. Here, help me up. I'll 
go to my room and wash up a little. I never could meet 
Mabel looking like this. 

Jerry (assists him to his feet). Are you injured inter- 
nally ? 

Jack. I believe I am. I slid down the water pipe and 
landed with a horrible jar. I know I dislocated something. 
And then, spending the night in a box-car, sleeping on the 
hard floor — that's liable to give me the rheumatism for life. 
(Walking tozvard L., supported by Jerry.) 

Jerry. I hope Virginia hasn't learned anything of this. 
Virginia's more suspicious than Mabel. 

Jack. And their mother is more suspicious still. Jerry, 
I never saw a woman quite as suspicious as my mother-in- 
law. (At door L.) She'll make Mabel get a divorce if she 
ever learns the truth. Oh, what a night ! 

Jerry. Go on and wash up and maybe you'll feel better. 

Jack. I'll never feel better as long as I live. I feel as 
though my hair was. turning white all over. Oh, what a 
night! (Exits L.) 

Jerry crosses dozen to table, puts some selt!::cr in glass 
and drinks it. Enter Mary Ann from L. 

Mary Ann. And so ye got home at last, did ye? 

Jerry (startled at her voice, chokes on drink). Beg 
pardon ? 

Mary Ann. I said you've got home at last. 

Jerry. Oh, yes. (Smiles.) I've got home at last. (Sees 
fez, picks it lip.) 

Mary Ann. The missus is nearly crazy, so she is, wid 
worry and excitement. She's gone to the police-station 
after you. 

Jerry (starts). The police-station? 

Mary Ann. She's been wonderin' where ye spent the 
night. She thought that you was murdered or something. 

Jerry. Oh, you mean Mr. Montgomery. (Puts fez on 
his head.) 



28 SAFETY FIRST. 

Mary Ann. Aren't you him, sor?- 

Jerry. Certainly not. He's in his room. 

Mary Ann. He'd better call up his wife at the police- 
station and tell her he's home. Cause if he don't she's 
going to. have the whole force down here to look for him. 

Jerry. That's a good idea. We don't want any police- 
man around here. 

]\Iary Ann. Is he all right? 

Jerry. Who ? 

Mary Ann. The boss. We thought maybe there was 
an accident. 

Jerry. We simply went to town to go to lodge. 

IMary Ann. To lodge is it? Sure, you must have lodged 
there all night. 

Jerry. We did. We were giving ]\Ir. Montgomery the 
forty-third degree. 

Mary Ann. And are you one of them shiners, too? 

Jerry. Of course. That's where we were last night. 
I'm the Exalted Imported Woggle of the Shriners, and Mr. 
Montgomery is the Bazook. 

Jack (outside). Wlio's there, Jerry? 

Jerry. It's the maid. It's all right. Come on in. 

Enter Jack from R., a little cleaner. 

Jack (to Mary Ann), Good morning. 

IMary Ann. Good morning, sor. Your wife's gone to 
the police-station to look for you. 

Jack. Great heavens ! 

Jerry. Y^ou mustn't startle the Bazook like that, my 
good girl. He's spent a most strenuous night. 

Mary Ann. He looks it. Begorry, if ye'd ask me, I'd 
say he'd been soused. 

Jerry. Y^ou'd better call up ]\Iabel, Jack, and tell her 
that you're home. (To Mary Ann.) Could you get us a 
cup of coffee? 

Mary Ann. I could. 

Jerry. There's a quarter for your trouble. 

Mary Ann. Thank you, sor. (Crosses to door L., 
turns and looks at Jack, who is seated L. of table, his face 



SAFETY FIRST 29 

bttried in his arms on table.) Bazook, is it? Sure, I've 
heard it called many names, but that's the first time I ever 
heard it called a Bazook. {Exit L.) 

Jerry. Now, cheer up, Jack, my boy, everything is all 
right. I've fixed it. 

Jack. You can't fix it with my wife. How can I ever 
explain that affair of last night to her? 

Jerry. Just as easy as not. You can explain to her 
just as I've already explained it to the maid. Safety first. 

Jack. What did you tell the maid? 

Jerry. I saw this cap and it gave me an inspiration. 
Jack, we were at a late session of the lodge last night. We 
were giving you the forty-third degree and that's why we 
were so late getting home. 

Jack. Late? You mean early? 

Jerry. I'm an officer in the lodge and so are you. 

Jack. But my wife knows I don't belong to any lodge. 

Jerry. Certainly she does. You joined last night just 
as a little surprise for her. 

Jack. Do you think she'll swallow that ? 

Jerry. Of course she will. Swallow it? Hook, line and 
sinker. 

Jack. But Mrs. Barrington-Bridger won't. She'd want 
actual proof.. She'd want to see the goat. 

Jerry. Then let her look at you. You were the goat, 
especially when you jumped through the window and slid 
down the water pipe. 

Jack. Don't, don't, please don't remind me of that awful 
jump. 

Jerry. I'll explain everything to your wife. I'm the 
best little fixer on earth. I'll tell her they used you a little 
rough in the initiation and she'll forgive you everything. 
And don't you say a word. Safety first. 

Jack. Then you think we are safe? 

Jerry. Of course we are. Nothing can harm us now. 
{Door hell rings off L. rear.) 

Jack. What's that? 

Jerry. The door bell. 



30 SAFETY FIRST 

Jack (rushes to zvindow and Iqpks out carefully). Great 
heavens, it's a detective. 

Jerry {alarmed). A detective? 

Jack. And Zuleika is with him.- Oh, they're after me. 
Get me a place to hide. {Rushes frantically around the 
stage, folloived by Jerry.) Oh, what a terrible night! 
{Door hell rings louder. Jerry crazvls under table, Jack 
pulls him out by the feet and crawls under himself. Door 
hell rings again. Jerry hides behind the piano.) 

Enter Mary Ann from L. 

^Iary Ann.- Sure, someone's after bustin' the door bell, 
so they are. I guess I'd better see who it is. 

Jerry (darts out from behind piano, scaring Mary Ann.) 
Stop! 

Mary Ann. Sure, I'm stopped. 

Jerry. I'll answer the door. You may return to your 
work. 

Mary Ann. Yis, sor, thank ye, sor. (Exits L., flirting 
ivith Jerry.) 

Jerry (crosses to C. E.). In a minute. I'm coming. 

Jerry exits rear L. and re-enters immediately, folloived 
by Mr. jMcNutt and Zuleika. 

Mr. McNutt. What do ye mane by kapin' me waitin' 
on the door-step? Were ye tryin' to make a getaway? I'm 
an officer of the law, I am, and I'll not be kept waiting. 

Jerry. I think you're in the wrong house, officer. I 
didn't ring for a detective. 

McNuTT. But ye got wan widout ringing. (Turns to 
Zuleika, who is down L., back of couch.) Is this the man 
who kicked O'Reilly last night at your office? 

Zuleika. This ees not the man. This ees the man who 
was with the ozzer man. 

Jerry. Some mistake, officer. I never saw this lady 
before. 

McNuTT. None of that, now ; none of that. This young 
lady is able to identify both of the men we are after. John 
Doe and Richard Roe. 



SAFETY FIRST 31 

ZuLEiKA. This ees Richard Roe. He is the friend of 
the ozzer man. 

Jerry. Not at alL I never saw the ozzer man in my 
hfe, and my name is not Richard Roe.- 

McNuTT. No matter what your name is, sure I have a 
warrant for the arrest of Richard Roe, and not only a war- 
rant, but a sentence. This is Mary ^loe. She goes up for 
thirty days for telHng fortunes. Richard Roe and John 
Doe each get thirty days for assaulting an officer. We've 
got Richard Roe, now (shakes fist in Jerry's face) I want 
ye to come clane and tell me where John Doe is ! / zvant 
John Doe! 

.. Jack (raises table cover so face is visible to audience). 
Oh, oh, oh ! This is my last hour on earth. 

Jerry (frightened). You say that we are sentenced for 
thirty days. That is impossible. Why we've not even had 
a trial. 

McNuTT. Yourself and John Doe assaulted Officer 
O'Reilly by kicking him in the entry. The same Officer 
O'Reilly is the nephew of the Judge. And what the Judge 
says goes. Ye've had yer trial by proxy, but begorry you'll 
^it the thirty days in jail widout proxy. 

Jerry. Impossible. Why, Mr. Montgomery is one of 
the most prominent men in town. Anyone will go on his 
bail. He's the cashier of the United Bank. 

McNuTT (making a note in a small book). Ah, ha! So 
John Doe's real name is I\Ir. Montgomery. 

ZuLEiKA. And this is his house. It is the address that 
was on the leetla card he gave me. (Crosses to Jerry.) Oh, 
sir, pay this horrible officer man much money and let me 
go. They have all of us sentenced to thirty days in jail. 
(Weeps on Jerry's shoulder.) And on Sunday I am to be 
married with my Elmer. (Weeps.) 

McNuTT (drops book on floor, stoops to get it and sees 
Jack's hand). Ah, ha ! 

Jerry (seeing hand, speaks sadly). Ah, ha! (McNutt 
steps on Jack's hand.) 

Jack (screams). Ah, ha! 



32 SAFETY FIRST 

McNuTT. It's John Doe. Come out, come out! (Jerks 
Jack from under table, stand at L., Jack^ Zuleika and 
Jerry in diagonal line at R. facing him.) 

Jack {blusters). ■ What right have you got coming into 
my house in this manner? 

McNuTT. What right have you got to have a house? 
(Turns to Zuleika.) This is the Httle dickey bird we was 
huntin', ain't it? 

Zuleika. It is. 

McNuTT. The man who assauhed Officer O'Reilly last 
night and made a getaway through the window? 

Zuleika. That ees the man. He ees the cousin of my 
Elmer. He came to my office and offer me zousand dollars 
to give up my Elmer. Never would I give him up, not for 
von zousand dollars ! Maybe for two zousand ! We quarrel 
about ze money. I say I not give him up. We grow very 
mooch angry. Zen (dramatically gesturing) ze police break 
in my door and make me arrested for telling ze fortunes. 
Also zey try to arrest these two men, but this man (points 
to Jack) he verra, verra brave. (Jack sti'uts.) He keeka 
de policeman in the doorway, ze lights go out and these two 
men jump out-a the window. And then I am arrested and* 
taken to the prison, and now we've all got thirty days. 
(Weeps on Jack's shoulder.) 

Jack. Thirty days? I should say not. 

McNuTT (waves warrants) . Do ye see them? Them's 
warrants. We couldn't produce the habeus corpuses, so 
we had the trial without the corpuses and the three of yeez 
(points), John Doe, Richard Roe and Mary Moe must come 
wid me to the rock-pile fer thirty days. 

Jack. But such a thing is preposterous. 

McNuTT. The man you kicked last night was the 
nephew of the Judge. And his honor refuses bail. 

Jack. And do you really mean that we have to go to 
jail for thirty days? 

McNuTT. That's exactly what I do mane. Now, come 
along wid yeez, or I'll put yeez in handcuffs. 

Jack. But what will my wife say? 



SAFETY FIRST 33 

Jerry. And what will Virginia say? 

ZuLEiKA. And what will Elmer say? 

McNuTT. Come on now. Hurry up. The Shriner's 
Parade starts in twenty minutes, and I'm one of the official 
escorts. 

Jerry. I have an idea. Jack, write a note and tell your 
wife that we're going to Florida to the Shriner's Conven- 
tion. They leave today at noon. 

Jack. But she knows I'm not a Shriner. 

Jerry. Tell her you joined last night. You've got to 
tell her something. We'll say we've been elected delegates 
to the convention and have to leave today at noon. (Takes 
roll of bills from pocket.) Now see here, officer-^- 

McNuTT (tzvitches fingers toward money). I see, sor— 

Jerry. Wait a minute. Do you think you could tell a 
lie for twenty dollars? 

McNuTT. I know I could. 

Jerry. Then you must back me up in everything I say. 
(Turns to Zuleika.) And so must you. 

Zuleika. For twenty dollars? 

Jerry. Yes, I'll give you twenty, too. (To McNutt.) 
Then I want you to take this money and book two pas- 
sages on the boat that leaves for the Shriner's Convention 
at Jacksonville. One for Mr. Montgomery and one for 
Mr. Arnold. 

McNuTT. You think ye can bribe me and make a get- 
away on the boat, do ye? I'll not do it. Take back your 
bribe. 

Jerry. I'm not bribing you. I'm only trying to square 
things with the ladies. You'll take us to jail, but they'll 
think we're on our way to Flor'da. 

Jack. Yes, yes, that's a good idea! 

(Door bell rings out L. at rear.) 

Jerry (runs to zvindozv). They're coming now. (Takes 
fez /rom Zuleika's head and slaps it on Jack^s.) Remem- 
ber, now, we're taking the noon steamer for Florida. And 
you two (to McNuTT and Zuleika) want to back me up 
in everything I say. 



34 SAFETY FIRST 

McNuTT (down R. zvifh Zuleika). Sure thing. Only 
don't try any funny business. The Judge said thirty days, 
and what the Judge says goes. 

Jack (dozvn L.). You'd better let them in, Jerry. You 
can explain things so much better than I can. 
(Door bell rings again.) 

Jerry. Leave it all to me. Let me do the talking. 
Safety first. (Exit C. E.) 

Jack. Not a word about going to jail in front of my 
wife. 

McNuTT. She'll wonder what I'm doing here. 

Zuleika. And also me. 

•Jack. 1 never thought of that. (Rushes to hat-tree in 
hall and brings dozvn rain coat and throzvs it around Zu- 
leika, takes zvork-basket from table and puts it on her 
head.) Now you two are my friends, Willie Woe and 
wife. You're both going to Jacksonville with us. 

McNuTT. The only Jacksonville you^re going to will 
have iron bars in front of it. 

Mabel (outside up L.). Jack, Jack, where are you? 

Jack (at L. C, zmth forced gaiety). Here I am, little 
one. 

Enter from C. E. Jerry and Virginia talking excitedly. 
They go to R. C. They are immediately follozvcd by Mabel 
and AIrs. B. Mabel goes L. C. to Jack and INIrs. B. stands 
grimly at rear C. 

Jerry (as he enters). But I tell you I can explain every- 
thing. Every blessed thing. 

Virginia (rapidly). Well, why don't you, then? Go on 
and explain. I'm waiting to hear what you have to say. 
Go on and explain. And don't try to invent any fairy tale 
for I'll tell you before you start that I won't believe a word 
you say. (While Virginia speaks INIabel crosses to Jack. 
He starts to embrace her, but she stares at him haughtily. 
Jerry and Jack are close together in C. of stage, but back 
to back as each is facing a lady, Virginia and Mabel, 
zvho are nearer the rear and nearer the R. and L. sides than 
the men.) 



SAFETY FIRST 35 

Jack {after pause). My lamb, why do you look at me 
like that? 

^Iabel (speaks sternly and points finger at him). Jack 
Montgomery, where have you been all night? 

Virginia {same business with Jerry). Jerry Arnold, 
where have you been all night? 

Jack {stammers). Well, er, my darling — {turns and 
looks at Jerry). 

Jerry. Just a moment, Virginia, Jack! Shall we tell 
them ? 

Mabel and Virginia {together). You'd better tell us! 

Jack. All right, we'll tell you. 

Mabel {after a slight pause). Well, we're waiting. 

Jack. Jerry, you tell them. I haven't got the heart. 

Jerry. It isn't anything to worry over at all. It's just 
as simple as that. {Snaps fijigers of both hands.) 

Jack. Certainly. Just like that! {Repeats same busi- 
ness.) 

Jerry. It's going to be a big surprise to you. 

Mrs. B. Yes, I imagine it will. Go on, we are waiting. 

Jerry. We were at the lodge. At the Shrine. The 
INIystic Shrine. See our hats. 

Mabel. But Jack doesn't belong to the Mystic Shrine. 

Jerry. He was initiated last night. Weren't you. Jack? 

Jack. Certainly. {Sadly.) And it was an awful initia- 
tion. 

Virginia. But did it take all night to initiate him? 

Jerry. Yes, indeed. We couldn't omit anything. There 
wasn't anything omitted, was there. Jack? 

Jack. No, there wasn't anything omitted. I got it all. 

Jerry. But we've a bigger surprise in store for you. 
You'd never guess it in the world. Would they. Jack? 

Jack. No, I don't think they would. Even mother-in- 
law would never guess it. {Turns to Mrs. B.) And you're 
a good guesser too. 

Mabel {ominously). Well, what is it? 

Virginia. Yes, we are waiting. 

Jerry. We are going to the convention. 



36 SAFETY FIRST 

Ladies. The convention? 

Jerry. Yes, we leave for Jacksonville on the noon boat. 

Mabel. Jack, you can't go. 

Jack. But, my rosebud, I Jiave to go. It's necessary, 
isn't it, Jerry? 

Jerry. I'd say it was. And think of the honor. We're 
the walking delegates. We got more votes than any of the 
brothers. I'm the Exalted Imported Woggle and Jack's 
the Bazook. Aren't you, Jack? 

Jack {struts around). I'd say I am. 

]\Iabel. But you can't take the voyage. You haven't 
anything ready. 

Jerry. That isn't necessary. The lodge provides every- 
thing. We've got to start at once. 

IMcNuTT. Yis, sor. Ye've got to start at once. 

Jack. Oh, how careless of me. I forgot to introduce 
you. 

]\IcNuTT. Never mind the introducin', but let's go right 
away. 

]\Iabel. Just a moment. I think your grip is all packed. 
{Exit L.) 

Enter Elmer from C. E. and IVIary Ann from L. Fast 
music, 

McNuTT. You won't need no grip. (Crosses to C. zvith 
Zuleika.) 

Mrs. B. (crossing dozvn R., to Jerry and Virginia). 
Who are these people? 

Jack (down L.). This is my friend, Mr. Woe, Mr. and 
Mrs. Willie Woe. They're going to Jacksonville for their 
honeymoon. 

Elmer. Zuleika ! 

Zuleika. Elmer ! 

Elmer. Say it isn't so ! 

Mary Ann. McNutt ! A married man? 

Jack. They're off on their honeymoon. 

Mary Ann (screams and faints in Elmer's arms). Ah ! 

McNuTT. Come on, hurry up. (Jack and Jerry cross 
up C. to him.) 



SAFETY FIRST 37 

Jerry. Good-bye, Virginia. Good-bye, Mrs. Bridger. 
Jack. Good-bye, mother-in-law. We're off for Florida. 
Where's Mabel? 

Enter Mabel^ carrying two grips. 

Mabel. Here I am, Jack. I'm going with you. 
Jack. Going with me? 

Mabel. Certainly. I'm just crazy to see Florida. 
(Drops grips and embraces Jack.) 

General confusion. Curtain. 

Second Curtain : Mabel fainted on sofa, attended by 
Mrs. B. and Virginia. Elmer staggering down R. C. with 
Mary Ann in his arms. McNutt, Jack, Jerry and Zu- 
LEiKA in door C. waving farezvell. 



Act II. 

Scene: Same as Act I, a month later. Time, mid- 
afternoon. Lights on full as in Act I. Curtain rises to 
music, A Funeral March. 

Enter from C. E. Mary Ann followed by Elmer. 

Mary Ann. Hang your hat on the rack and make your- 
self right at home, sor, Hke you used to do. 

Elmer (hangs hat on rack, then comes down L. and sits 
on sofa). Thank you, Mary Ann. It seems good to be back 
here again. I was in California nearly a month. (Dramat- 
ically.) I was trying to forget, but I could not forget! I 
tried to think of other things, interest myself in other 
scenes, but I could only think of Zuleika, Zuleika, Zuleika ! 

Mary Ann (at C). Sure, it's meself that can sympa- 
thize wid you, sor. Didn't she run away wid me own finan- 
cay? I can only think of McNutt, McNutt, McNutt! 

Elmer. They return home today, don't they? 

Mary Ann. McNutt's been home fer two wakes or 
more, but I'll have nothing to do with him at all, at all. 
But I'm forgettin' about the missus. I'll tell Mrs. Mont- 
gomery you're here, sor. She absolutely refuses to see 



38 SAFETY FIRST 

anyone at all, but you're in the family and that's different. 

And she ain't et a square meal since she had the news. 

(Crosses to door L.) I'll tell her yer here, sor. (Exits L.) 

Enter Virginia C. E., from stairs. 

Virginia (surprised). Elmer! I didn't know you had 
returned. (Comes to him sadly and shakes hands.) 

Elmer. Yes. Just got back home today. Awfully glad 
to see you again. Where's Mabel ? 

Virginia. In her room, I suppose. She rarely leaves it 
now. Her loss is almost more than she can bear. 

Elmer. Her loss? What did she lose? 
Enter Mabel from L. She comes slowly to Elmer at L. 

Mabel (crying, handkerchief to her eyes). Oh, Elmer! 
To think he isn't here to welcome you. He always used to 
be so f-f-fond of you. 

Virginia (dozvn R., handkerchief to eyes). Yes, and 
J-J -Jerry was fond of y-y-you, too. (Weeps.) 

Elmer. Sure, they both were. Where are they? (The 
ladies look at him in astonishment. Pause. Then both 
weep londly in handkerchiefs.) 

Mabel. Elmer, haven't you heard the awful n-n-news? 

Virginia. Oh, Mabel! (Ladies sob in each other's 
arms.) 

Mabel. Virginia ! 

Elmer. What are you talking about? 

Mabel (goes to table, opens book, takes a telegram from 
the book, crosses dozvn L. to Elmer). Read that. (Hands 
him the telegram.) 

Elmer (reading). "Regret to inform you that Jack 
Montgomery and Jerry Arnold were evidently washed over- 
board and drowned the night of the 22d. No trace of them 
found on vessel. Bodies not recovered. Riley, Captain." 

Mabel (sobs). Oh, Jack! 

Virginia (sobs loudly). Oh, Jerry! 

Elmer. What a terrible blow. (Sinks on sofa.) Jack 
and Jerry both drowned? How awful! I can't get over it. 
And haven't you heard anything since you received that 
fatal telegram? 



SAFETY FIRST 39' 

Virginia. I received a letter from the captain. He said 
that Jack and Jerry were never seen on board the vessel. 
They must have kept close to their cabin. On the night 
after the storm the captain ordered all hands on deck and 
Jack and Jerry were missing. They were washed over- 
board. (Sobs in handkerchief.) And I'll n-n-never see my 
Jerry again. 

Mabel. We're going out to order a marble monument. 
Mamma is going to drive us over. Won't you come, too? 

Elmer. No, thank you. I'm too much upset. 

Mabel. But you'll stay for lunch, won't you? 

•Elmer. Lunch? Do you actually eat lunch? (Pause.) 
Then, I'll stay. 

Mabel (at R. C.)\ You don't mind our going away and 
leaving you, do you, Elmer? We'll be back shortly. 

Elmer (on sofa). Don't hurry on my account. 

Enter Mary Ann from L. 

Mary Ann (at L. C). Excuse me fer buttin' In, mum, 
but your mamma do be waitin' out in front wid the auto. 

Mabel. Thank you, Mary Ann. (Crosses to C. E. with 
Virginia.) We won't be long, Elmer. (Exit C. E., follozved 
by Virginia.) 

Mary Ann (at C, making extravagant signs to attract 
Elmer's attention). Mister Flannel, Mister Flannel, sor! 

Elmer. What is it, Mary Ann? 

Mary Ann. Do you remember the ginny you soaked 
wid the seltzer bottle here on the day the boss started on 
his fatal voyage? The man who was goin' to stick you wid 
a knife? 

Elmer. You mean Abou Ben Mocha. What about hirn ? 

Mary Ann. Oh, sor, Fm that nervous I don't know 
whether I'm standin* on me feet or me head. But he's 
hidin' across the strate behind a tilly-graff pole watchin' 
this house. He's been there ever since you came. He's 
waitin' till you go and then he'll come in and murder us all 
dead. Sure, since Mr. Montgomery was drowned at sea, 
I've been worried to death for fear a burglar'll break into 



40 SAFETY FIRST 

the house, knowin' that there's nobody here but women 
folks. 

Elmer {peeps from windozu cautiously). There is a 
man hiding behind the post, Mary Ann! 

Mary Ann {at C). Oh, worry, worry! {Throws apron 
over head and cries.) 

Elmer. It's Zuleika's father. He's coming across the 
street. 

Mary Ann. He's going to rob the house, and me with 
over eighteen dollars hid in me room. 

Elmer. He's at the front door. {Starts down to C.) 
He's after me. He's got murder in his eye. {Runs around 
trying to hide.) 

{Door bell rings.). 

Mary Ann. Oh, me, oh my ! What'll I do ? 

Elmer {behind sofa). Ask him what he wants? 

Mary Ann {crosses to C. E. and yells). Whatcher 
want? {Rushes back to sofa.) 

{Door bell rings again.) 

Elmer. You'd better let him in. 

Enter from C. E. Abou Ben Mocha. 

Abou. Where is he? Where is the man who came in 
here? 

Mary Ann {spreading out her skirts and hiding Elmer). 
Indade there's no man here at all, at all. 

Abou {rushing at her). What's that? 

Mary. Ann {makes a quick retreat backward and falls 
over Elmer). Oh, fer the love of Mike, it's killed and 
murdered lam intirely. 

Abou {grabs Elmer and drags him to C, Elmer resist- 
ing). At last I have you. For one month I have waited 
for this minute. {Kneels by the prostrate Elmer, hands on 
his throat.) Where is Zuleika? Where is my leetla daughter? 

Elmer. Don't ! Let me up. You're tickling me. 

Abou. Where is my leetla Zuleika? For thirty days I 
have searched for her, but she is not here, she is nowhere. 

Elmer. She's married and gone on her honeymoon. 



SAFETY FIRST 41 

Abou. Married ? But you said she was to marry you. 

Elmer. That's what I thought, but she eloped to Flor- 
ida with a man named Woe. 

Mary Ann. That's not his name at all, at all. That was 
a disguise. She eloped with me own financay and his name 
is McNutt. 

Abou (at C, wringing hands in despair). My leetla 
Zuleika eloped with a McNutt! Where is he? Let me but 
put my hands on him and I will break him in two. 

Elmer (getting up). I hope you do. But he's in Flor- 
ida. 

Mary Ann. He is not. He niver wint to Florida at 
all, at all. It was all a plot. His sister tould me that he 
niver left town. He's a detective. You'll find him- at the 
police-station. And whin you break him in two give him 
a punch for Mary Ann O'Finnerty. 

Elmer (at R.). And another one for Elmer Flannel. 

Abou (hacks to C. E.). I go, I go! But I shall return. 
I go to wreck my vengeance on a McNutt ! (At C. E.) And 
when we meet he shall learn what it means to steal the 
daughter of Abou Ben Mocha. I go to meet the McNutt. 
(Dramatic exit at C. E. and out L.) 

Mary Ann (down L.). My my, what a bloodthirsty 
Turk he do be ! No wonder they call 'em Turkies. 

Elmer (down R.). Are you sure that McNutt didn't 
take that trip to Florida, Mary Ann? 

Mary Ann. Indade I am, sor? He stays with his own 
sister and he's been in ivery night for a month. 

Elmer. Then what has become of Zuleika? 

Mary Ann. I don't know, sor, and nather does Mc- 
Nutt's sister. She ain't been seen since the day the ship 
sailed. And if it wasn't spakin' ill of the dead, sor, I'd be 
sayin' she was kidnapped by the boss and Mr. Jerry, sor. 
But they're dead now, the both of 'em, and they'll niver 
kidnap another Turkey. (Starts to weep.) And they were 
such nice men, too. 

Elmer. I can hardly realize that they are drowned. I 
think I'll go over to the poHce-station and see this man 



42 SAFETY FIRST 

McNutt. Maybe he knows what has become of my Httle 
Zuleika. (Gees to C. E.) There's a mystery here, Mary 
Ann, and I mean to unravel it. {Exit C. E.) 

Mary Ann. Well, if McNutt's innocent sure I'll permit 
him to resume his visits to me. But I'll have nothing at all 
to do with a man who'd elope with a Turkey. (Exits L.) 
Enter Mabel^ Virginia and Mrs. B. from C. E. 

Mabel. I think after all, mamma, that we should order 
the larger monument. A single shaft of granite with a 
marble base and trimmingSo 

Virginia. And some poetry. Something about the deep 
and cruel sea. 

Mrs. B. (at C). I quite agree with you, Mabel. And 
I think it is high time you were collecting the life insurance. 
Let me see, it's nearly a month now, isn't it? 

Mabel (down L.). Oh, mamma, how can you remind 
me of it? (Sobs.) 

Virginia. Poor Jerry! I'll never see him again. (Sobs.) 

Mrs. B. Come, my dear, you had better go to your room. 
(Leads Mabel to C. E.). And you, too, Virginia. I wish 
you wouldn't take on so. It always makes your nose so 
red when you weep like that. I loved Jack and Jerry as 
if they were my own sons, but even that is no excuse for 
impairing one's complexion. (Exit C. E. and upstairs.) 

Virginia. Mother doesn't understand what it means to 
have one's sweetheart buried beneath the cruel, hungry 
waves. 

Mabel. Oh, Virginia, I'll never see Jack again. And 
we had a quarrel on the day he went away. (Exeunt C. E. 
and upstairs.) 

Pause. Music, 'When Johnnie Comes Marching Home.'* 
Music szvells as Jack and Jerry enter at C. E. from L. 
They enter gaily, each wearing a fez and carrying a grip 
and a sack of oranges. Music ends as Jack speaks. 

Jack. Home again ! Come in, Jerry, and sit down in an 
easy chair. (They sit.) 

Jerry (stretches out). My but it feels good to be in a 
real room again. 



SAFETY FIRST 43 

Jack. And eat! I feel as if I could eat a menagerie. 
Bean soup three times a day for thirty days! Jerry, I never 
want to look another bean in the face as long as I live. 

Jerry. Sh ! We didn't have beans. Beans don't grow 
in Florida. We've been living on oranges and (pauses) 
alligators. 

Jack. You'd better stick around with me a couple of 
days and help me out. Somehow I seem to keep forgetting 
that we've been on a convention to Florida. I can think of 
nothing but bars, bars and stripes — 

Jerry. No, no ! You mean stars and stripes. The red, 
white and blue flags on board the ship. We had a delight- 
ful voyage, didn't we? 

Jack (sadly). Oh, yes. Perfectly wonderful. But the 
atmosphere was rather close. In fact, it was the most con- 
fining trip I ever took. 

Jerry. I wonder where the girls are. 

Jack. I'll ring the bell and see. (Rings hand-bell on 
table.) I wonder if the ship got in. 

Jerry. Of course it did. The warden said so. 

Jack. Then it's all right. It was a lovely voyage and 
Florida is a perfectly wonderful country. They have the 
cutest little alligators — (changes tone.) Jerry, we should 
have brought the girls a little pet alligator. 

Enter Mary Ann from L. She comes calmly in to see 
what is wanted. She crosses to C. and then suddenly sees 
the two men. She gives a wild scream, throzvs her apron 
over her head and rushes out at L. . 

Jerry. What's the matter with the hired girl? 

Jack. I'm not sure. She acted like it was delirium 
tremens. 

Jerry (crosses and sits on couch at L.). Say, Jack, we'll 
have to do a lot of explaining. Mabel and Virginia will 
think it strange we never wrote to them. 

Jack (at R.). We were too busy to write. By George, 
I believe I'm the best little rock-crusher in the State. 
(Shows arm muscles.) And look at the muscle. I feel like 
another man. Talk about your physical culture exercise. 



44 SAFETY FIRST 

For a tired feeling and a run-down disposition there's noth- 
ing Hke thirty days in jail. 

Jerry. Sh ! Don't mention that word here. Someone 
is coming. 

Enter Virginia dozvnstairs. She appears at C. E., sees 
Jerry^ gasps and slightly staggers. 

Virginia {after a pause, she looking at him steadily, then 
advances to him zvith arms • outstretched, speaks in sur- 
prised whisper). Jerry! {Throws herself in his arms with 
a glad cry.) Jerry! You have returned. {Faints in his 
arms. ) 

Jerry. Help, help ! Get some water, Jack. There, there, 
Virginia. I'm here all right. Brace up and be a man ! 

Virginia {recovering a little). Jerry, is it really you? 

Jerry. Sure it is. Were you expecting someone else? 

Virginia. Oh, Jerry, I thought I'd never see you again. 
{Sinks on sofa.) And I'm so glad, I'm so glad. 

Jerry {beside her on sofa). I'm glad, too. We're both 
glad, aren't we. Jack? 

Jack. Oh, yes. We're tickled to death. 

Enter ]\Iabel from dozvnstairs. SJie sees Jack and 
rushes into his arms zvith a scream of joy. . 

Mabel. Jack, Jack! 

Virginia. But how did it all happen? 

Mabel {at R.). Is it really you or are you a ghost? 

Jack. I may have lost six or seven pounds, but I'm no 
ghost. 

]\Iabel. But you were drowned. {Turns and sees 
Jerry.) And Jerry was drowned. 

Jack. Oh, no! 

Jerry. Certainly not. 

Jack. I never was drowned in all my life. Was I, 
Jerry ? 

Jerry. We never intended to get drowned, did we Jack? 

Virginia. But the telegram from the captain. He said 
that you were washed overboard and drowned, both of you. 

Jack. Did the captain say that? 



SAFETY FIRST 45 

Mabel. And that the bodies had never been recovered. 

Virginia. Tell us everything. Don't keep anything 
from us. We can stand it. Go on and tell us. 

Jack (after a pause). Yes, Jerry, go on and tell them. 

Jerry (slowly). Well, it's true. 

Ladies. True ? 

Jack. Yes, it's true. 

Jerry. We were washed overboard. 

Mabel (to Jack). Go on and explain. 

Jack. Jerry's explaining. He said we were washed 
overboard. And, believe me, it was some wash ! 

]\Iabel. But you were saved? A kind Providence 
watched over you. You were saved. 

Jack. That's right. I zvas saved, and so was Jerry. 

Jerry. Yes, we were both saved. 

Virginia. But how? How? You don't explain, Jerry. 

Jack. Jerry, why don't you explain? 

Jerry (in tearful voice). I wish I could. It was so hor- 
rible. 

Jack. Never mind. I will explain. You see it was this 
way. We were washed overboard. 

Ladies (breathlessly). Yes, yes? 

Jack. Washed overboard, just like that! (Careless 
gesture.) 

Ladies. And then? 

Jack. And then? (Pauses.) Why (slozvly) then we 
were saved. 

Jerry. By a kind Providence. That's how we were 
saved, by a kind Providence. (Rises.) But I've got to be 
getting home. (Starts to C. E.) I've got to see mother. 

Jack (rushes to him and drags him hack by coat-tails). 
Nothing doing! You can't go yet. 

Ladies. Certainly not. 

Mabel. You were going to tell us how you were saved. 

Jerry. How? Oh, yes! (Points upward.) We were 
saved by a kind Providence. That's how we were saved. 

Virginia (at L.). I suppose there was a storm. 



46 SAFETY FIRST 

Jack (at R. C). Yes, there was a storm. It was an 
awful storm, wasn't it, Jerry? 

Jerry (at L. C). Awful? It was frightful. It was the 
most awful storm I ever saw. 

Jack. You see I was sitting down in the dining room, 
on the ground floor. That's where I was. 

Mabel (at R.). Yes? 

Jack. I was shooting ducks. 

Jerry (grabs him at C). Eating ducks! 

Jack. Yes, I mean eating ducks. The captain was at 
the wheel steering the boat. You know, he was steering it, 
just like that. (Gesture.) So I said to him — 

Mabel. But I thought you were below in the dining 
room? 

Jack. I was. That's where I was all the time. Wasn't 
I, Jerry? 

Jerry. Yes, and so was I. But we went up. 

Jack. Good old Jerry ! That's right. We went up. 
Both of us went up. 

Jerry. And there we saw the captain steering the ship 
at the wheel. 

Jack. Just like that. (Gestures.) 

Jerry. When all of a sudden it hit us. 

Virginia. What hit you? 

Jack. The storm. 

Jerry. Not the storm. It was a wave that hit us. 
Wasn't it. Jack? 

Jack. Oh, you mean that time? Yes, it was a wave. 
Then there was a lurch. 

Ladies (very much excited). A lurch? 

Jerry. An awful lurch 

Jack. And after that lurch we knew no more. Did we, 
Jerry? 

Ladies. How frightful ! 

Jerry. That's right. It is a frightful thing not to know 
any more. 

Jack (bravely). Then I came to myself — 

Jerry. Good old Jack. He knows some more. 



SAFETY FIRST 47 

Jack. I saw a floating mast. And I lashed myself to it. 
I was lashed to the mast. 

Mabel. My hero ! 

JERRY (jealously). I was lashed to a mast, too 

Jack. Yes, he was. Just as I had given up all hope, 
what should I see but Jerry. He came floating along lashed 
to a mast, too. 

Jerry. Sure. I was mashed to a last just the same as 
Jack. 

Virginia. Yes, but what then? 

Jack. Then we floated and floated and floated. 

Jerry. That right. We floated, my how we floated ! 

Mabel. But after that what did you do? 

Jerry. After that we drifted. 

Jack. And then I saw a boat in the distance. 

Mabel. My hero ! 

Jerry. You did not ! / saw the boat ! 

Jack. We both saw the boat. (Grasps Jerry.) Here 
we are lashed to the mast with the angry weaves all around 
us. 

Jerry. And the rain falling in torrents. 

Jack. And the thunder thundering and the lightning 
lightening and in the distance we see a boat. 

Jerry. We wave our hands and shout as loud as we can. 

Jack (loudly). Ship ahoy, ship ahoy! That's what we 
shouted. 

Jerry. And Man Overboard! We shouted that, too. 

Jack (dramatically). Will they hear us? Will they 
hear us? (They lock arms and come down C. simultaneously, 
Ladies zvatching them breathlessly.) 

Jerry. No, they won't. 

Jack. Yes, they will. 

Jerry. No, they won't. You know they didn't hear us 
at first on account of the storm. 

Jack. That's right. But they heard us later. I was 
thinking of later. 

Jerry. Yes, they hear us. They come to our rescue. 
They take us on board and we are saved, saved, saved! 



48 ■ SAFETY FIRST 

Ladies. Thank Heaven ! 

Jack. It was a whaler. 

Virginia. A whaler? 

Jack. Yes, just a small boat with two or three men 
and ten or twelve whales. 

Mabel. Then you didn't reach Florida at all. 

Jack. No, we didn't reach — 

Jerry. Yes, we did. We reached Florida. See, we 
brought you some oranges from Florida. (Gives sack to 
Virginia.) 

Virginia. My brave boy ! 

Jerry. That's right, I am a brave boy, and so is Jack. 
Jack's awfully brave. 

Jack. That's right! 

Jerry. And the biggest liar I ever met. 

Ladies. What? 

Jerry. I mean he's the most modest hero I ever met. 

Ladies {assured). Oh. 

Mabel. But aren't you hungry and tired? 

Jack. Jerry, are we hungry? 

Jerry-. We could eat anything. I could eat a bakery, 
oven and all. 

Jack. And so could I. That is, anything except beans. 

Virginia. You must come upstairs and see mamma. 

Mabel. Yes, take them up, Virginia, and FU tell Mary 
Ann to get up a big dinner in honor of our heroes' return. 
{Exit L.) 

Jack. Make it a real big dinner. You can't imagine 
how awfully hungry we are. 

Virginia {crossing to C. E. with men). How surprised 
mamma will be. And you must tell her all about your gal- 
lant rescue. {Exit upstairs.) 

Jack. Jerry, you be careful what you tell mamma. 
She's the most suspicious person on earth. If you're not 
careful she'll think we've never been to Florida at all. 

Jerry. Leave it to me. Remember my motto : Safety 

-^^^^^- Enter McNuTT from C. E. 

McNuTT. Wait a minute. I want to see you. 



SAFETY FIRST 49 

Jack (up R.). What are you doing here? 

Jerry (up R. C). What do you want with us? 

McNuTT (itp L. C). Just a Httle personal favor, gents. 
That's all, just a personal favor. 

Jack. Nothing doing. Not another cent. 

Jerry. I should say not. 

McNuTT. It ain't money, gents. It's love. You see, 
I'm engaged to marry your hired girl. 

Jerry. Mary Ann? 

McNuTT. Yis, sor. Miss O'Finnerty. 

Jack. Very well, McNutt, marry her. You have my 
consent. 

Jerry. And I'll give you my blessing. 

McNuTT. But Mary Ann won't have me, sor. It's all 
on account of that Turkish girl that you said I was married 
to. I want you to explain to Mary Ann that I ain't married 
at all. 

Jack. Certainly you are married. Isn't he, Jerry? 

Jerry. Of course he is. He just returned from his hon- 
eymoon with the oriental Zuleika. 

McNuTT. Oh, ho! That's what ye say, is it? Then I'll 
go to the missus and tell her the whole truth. I'll tell her 
that the both of yeez has been in jail fer thirty days, and 
I can git the docket to prove it. 

Jerry. Oh, no, you won't! 

McNuTT. I won't, eh? 

jEJiRY. For if you do we'll prefer a charge of bribery 
against you. Jack still has the cancelled check he gave you. 
I guess that will keep you silent for a year or two, Mr. 
McNutt. 

McNuTT. But won't you explain to Mary Ann? 

Jerry. Safety first. You'll have to do your own ex- 
plaining. Stay here and have a talk with her. We've got 
to explain to mother. {Exits upstairs.) 

Jack. But if you tell Mary Ann one word about our 
being in jail, you'll land there yourself. (Exits upstairs.) 

McNuTT. Begorry, they think they're smart, don't they? 



50 SAFETY FIRST 

And a nice mess they've got me into wid me swateheart 
thinkin' I eloped with another woman to Florida. 

Enter from C. E. Abou, coining from'L. rear. 

Abou. You are the man — yes — no — by the name of 
McNutt? 

McNuTT. That's me name, and what of- it? 

Abou (grabs him and forces him to his knees at C.) 
Where is Zuleika? My leetla Zuleika. What have you 
done with her? 

McNuTT. I haven't got her. I wouldn't know her if 
I'd see her. 

Abou. And yet you eloped with her to Florida. 

McNuTT. Oh, you mean the little Turkey, do you? 

Abou. She is my daughter. Give her back to me, or 
your life belongs to Abou Ben IMocha. 

IMcNuTT. I think that if you go home you'll find her 
there. She got out today. 

Abou. Got out? Vot you mean by got out? They told 
me that you eloped with her to Florida. 

McNuTT. You've made a big mistake. Take your hands 
away and I'll tell you everything. 

Abou (rises). Now tell me everything. 

McNuTT. I haven't been to Florida at all, at all. 

Abou. That is vot the hired girl* said. She said you 
have been here all the time. But Zuleika, where has she 
been ? 

McNuTT. How do I know? You've got the wrong man. 
You want to see Mr. John Doe and INIr. Richard Roe. 
They'll tell you all about Zuleika. 

Abou {puzzled). John Doe — 

McNuTT. And Richard Roe. 

Abou. But vere I find this John Doe and Richard Roe? 

McNuTT (takes his zvrist, looks around cautiously, tip- 
foes dozvn L., places finger on lips). Sh ! 

Abou. Vot you mean by sh ! 

McNuTT (repeats same business and leads him to R.). 
Sh! 

Abou. Two shusses. 



SAFETY FIRST 51 

McNuTT {dramatically) . They are here! Here, in this 
house. 

Abou. Here? And is my Zuleika here? 

McNuTT. No, but they can tell you where she is. I 
just saw the both of them go up them stairs. {Points to 
stairs, hacks up stage at C. E.) Find them and force the 
dirty secret from their lips. Sh ! {Exits C. E. and L.) 

Enter Mary Ann from L. 2 E. 

Mary Ann. Fer the love of Mike, are you here again? 

Abou {at R. C). Yes, I am here and here I will remain 
until I have had my revenge. I will not go until I have 
news of my Zuleika. 

Mary Ann. The boss has come home and INIr. Arnold 
with him. Maybe they can tell you where she is. She 
went away with them. 

Abou. Ah, ha ! The plot thickens. They are the men 
I am looking for. John Doe and Richard Roe. 

Mary Ann. Jack Montgomery and Jerry Arnold, 
them's the men you want. 

Abou {graps her wrist). And thev are upstairs, hev? 

Mary Ann {jerks azvay from him). Go on, now, er I'll 
scald ye wid a bucket of suds. Plaze don't get so famil- 
iarity. But if you must know it, they are upstairs. 

Enter Elmer from C. E. 

Elmer. Have you found McNutt? 

Abou {at L. C). McNutt? Yes, I found him. He did 
not go to Florida at all. He did not steal my leetla Zuleika. 

Mary Ann {at L.). Of Course he didn't. He's been 
here all the time. 

Abou. It was the other men, the villains, they stole my 
leetla girl. 

Elmer {at R. C.) What other men? 

Abou. John Doe and Richard Roe. 

Mary Ann. He manes the boss and Mr. Jerry Arnold. 

Abou. They are upstairs, but I will wait. I Avill wait ! 
When they come down, ah, then ! {Draws knife and pan- 
tomimes stabbing,) 



52 SAFETY FIRST 

Elmer. Oh, see here, you mustn't do anything rash, you 
know. 

Abou. Rash? I do nothing rash. All I do is to keel 
them, 

Elmer. Mary Ann, take him into the kitchen and give 
him a glass of milk ; he's excited. 

Abou. Milk? I want blood, blood! 

Mary Ann. We don't serve blood. (Takes his arm.) 
Come along with me. (Leads him to door L.) 

Abou (at door L. 2 E.). I go, but I will wait. I'll meet 
this John Doe and Richard Roe, and ven I do, I'll keel them. 
(Exit L.) 

Mary Ann. Mister Flannel, you'd better see the boss 
and put him on his guard. 

Elmer. I thought he was at the bottom of the Atlantic. 

Mary Ann. He swum ashore. He's upstairs wid Mr. 
Arnold and both of them are as live as fleas. (Exit L. 2 E,) 

Enter Jack from C. E. from stairs. 

Jack. Hello, Elmer. 

Elmer. I thought you were drowned. 

Jack. Oh, no. We were almost, but we swam ashore, 
just like that. (Careless gesture.) 

Elmer. Then you'd better get out of here. A man is in 
there (pointing to L.) who's waiting to kill you. 

Jack. To kill me? What for? 

Elmer. For stealing Zuleika. He's her father. 

Jack. But I didn't steal Zuleika. 

Elmer. You abducted her and took her to Florida. 

Jack. That was McNutt. 

Elmer. McNutt never left the city. He said that Zu- 
leika went with you and Jerry Arnold. 

Jack. Then it was Jerry. I wouldn't abduct her. ]\Iy 
wife wouldn't let me. If her father is after anyone, it's 
Jerry he wants to see. 

Elmer (crosses to C. E.). I'll go for the police, but I 
have warned you. He's a Turk and a Turk never forgives. 

Jack. What'll I do if he catches me? Where will I go? 



SAFETY FIRST 53 

Elmer. That depends on the hfe you have led. You 
might feign insanity. A Turk never injures an insane man. 

Jack. Good. You hurry up and notify the pohce. 

Elmer (at C. E.). But where' is Zuleika? 

Jack. She never left town. You'll find her safe and 
sound at home. 

Elmer. Very well. I'm off. (Exit C. E. quickly.) 

Enter Abou from L. 2 E. ''Hurry" music. 

. Abou (dramatically). Ah, ha ! 

Jack (frightened). The terrible Turk! 

Abou (advances tozvard him flourishing knife). You 
are John Doe. 

Jack. I'm not. I'm a crazy man named George Wash- 
ington, Junior. I just dropped in to pick the potatoes for 
dinner. (Gets dozvn on hands and knees.) There they are. 
I'll pick them now. (C raids around.) And see the butter- 
flies. I've got to catch the butterflies. (Rises and catches 
imaginary butterflies.) 

Abou (grabs him). V\'here is Zuleika? 

Jack. Is that a butterfly? I'll catch her for you. 

Abou. Did you elope with my leetla daughter? 

Jack. Yes. Somebody blew us up in the sky through 
a pea "shooter. Just like that. And I tried to teach her the 
one-step so she could dance at the Duke's ball with a stalk of 
celery. We are always dancing, just like that. (Dances.) 

Abou. Stop, stop! (Tries to catch him.) 

Jack (dancing under his arms). Just like that. (Dances 
out at L.) 

Enter Jerry from C. E. coming dozvn the stairs. 

Abou. Ah, ha! (Starts for Jerry.) 

Jerry. Hello, are you looking for me? 

Abou. I am looking for Zuleika. 

Jerry. Haven't seen her this morning. Won't you sit 
down. 

Abou (grabs him and forces him to his knees). Never! 
(Waves knife.) Where is my leetla daughter? What have 
you done with her? 



54 SAFETY FIRST 

Jerry (breaks azvay from Iiini and runs back to fable). 
You let me . alone ! 

Abou (chases him around table). \Miere is she? Give 
her back to me ! 

Jerry (rushes to C. E.). Help, help, police! (E.vifs C. 
E. and upstairs.) 

Abou (follozving him). Where is she? I want my leetla 
Zuleika. (Exits C. E. and upstairs.) 

Enter Jack from L. 2 E. dancing. He crosses to rear 
C. E. and exits upstairs dancing. Ladies scream off stage 
at rear R. 

Enter ]\Iary Ann from L., folloived by ]\Irs. B. 

Mrs. B. j\Iary Ann, are you sure that Mr. Montgomery 
took that Turkish girl to Florida? 

Mary Ann. Yis, mum. McNutt didn't go at all. It 
was the boss and Mr. Jerry who eloped with the young 
lady to Florida. 

Enter ]\Iabel and Virginia from C. E. dozvnstairs. 

]\Irs. B. (at L. C). Are you sure of this, Mary Ann? 

Mary Ann (down L.). Indade I am. I got the whole 
story from McNutt. The boss gave him a hundred dollars 
to kape mum. 

Mrs. B. You hear, Mabel? 

Mabel (down R. zcith Virginia). What does she mean? 

Mrs. B. (loudly). She means that Jack I\Iontgomery and 
Jerry Arnold kidnapped that Turkish girl and took her to 
Florida. 

Virginia. I don't believe it. 

Mrs. B. She was here and left with them. They tried 
to pass her off as the bride of INIr. IMcNutt, but when the 
ship sailed she went off with them and McNutt staid at 
home. 

Mabel (screams). Oh! (Tearfully.) Is this true, 
Mary Ann? 

Mary Ann. Ivery syllable, mum. 

Mabel. Then I'll leave him. I'll never look upon his 
treacherous face again. 



SAFETY FIRST 55 

Mrs. B. -Pack your things and come to my house at once. 

Virginia. But surely Jerry — 

Mrs. B. Jerry is just as bad as Jack. Go up and help 
.Mabel 

Mabel and Virginia start to exit C. E., zvhen Jerry 
rushes wildly in and runs around stage pursued by Abou. 
They dodge around Mary Ann. Jerry pushes her hi 
Abou's arms and exits L. 2 E. Ladies scream. Mabel and 
Virginia exit C. E. 

Abou (yelling). Where is my leetla daughter? (Rushes 
out L. 2 E.) 

Enter Jack from C. E., still dancing. He dances dozvn 
stage and out L. 2 E. 

Mary Ann. Sure the whole house is going crazy. Look 
at the boss. (Exits L. 2 E.) 

Mrs. B. (at C. E., calls npstcirs). Hurry, INLabel. Come 
down at once. Your husband has gone mad. 

Enter Jerry from L. 2 E. and Elmer aiid McNutt from 
C. E. at the same time. Jerry rushes in, bumps into Mc- 
Nutt. They fall at C. 

McNuTT. I got ye ! I got ye ! (They roll over and over 
tozvard front.) 

Eli\ier. That's not the Turk ! He's not the man. 

Enter AIabel and Virginia from C. E. Mabel carries 
grip and Virginia has her arms full of dresses, coats, hats, 
etc. Enter Mary Ann from L. carrying clothes basket. Mrs. 
B. and Mary Ann go .around stage and fill the basket zvith 
bric-a-brac, taking everything that is small from stage and 
putting it in basket. Virginia and Mabel assist them. 

Enter Abou from L. He rushes in and falls over Jerry 
and McNuTT. General mix-up on floor at C. Enter Jack 
from L., still dancing. He dances dozim L. Elmer, Jerry 
and INIcNuTT grab Abou, rush him up to zuindozv at R. and 
throzv him through zvindozv. The four Ladies stand in 
C.E. 

Jack (dozvn L.). What are you doing? 



56 . SAFETY FIRST 

Jerry (dozvn R. iviih Elmer and McNutt). • Looks like 
you're going to move ! 

Mrs. B. (rear C). We are! We are leaving this roof 
forever. 

Jack (astounded). Leaving? 

Jerry. What are you leaving for? 

]Mrs. B. Ask Zuleikaf 

Men. Zuleika? 

Mrs. B. The Turkish maiden you kidnapped. The girl 
you took to Florida. 

Jack. But Mabel! 

Jerry. Virginia ! 

Mrs. B. Back vipers ! Kidnappers, villains ! Aly daugh- 
ters must never look upon your faces again. 

Mabel. Fm going to get a divorce ! 

Virginia. And so am I ! I mean, there's your ring. 
(Throzvs it at Jerry.) 

Ladies. And now good-bye, good-bye forever ! 

Quick Curtain. 

Second Picture: Men alone standing in doorivay zvav- 
ing hands toward rear L. 

Third Picture : All characters discovered bozcing to 
audience. 

Act in. 

Scene L Mrs. Bridger's garden. An afternoon in July. 
Set house dozim L. with practical door and upper zvindozv. 
Steps leading to porch. Garden backing and zvood zvings. 
A zvall runs across stage from dozvn R. to rear R. corner 
and then across back to stage from R. to L. This zvall is 
about five feet high and about three feet from the back and 
side scenes. Fancy gate at rear C. Large zvell dozvn R. C, 
with bucket hanging on frame over it. Bench in front of 
well, facing audience. Hammock at rear, just R. of the gate. 
Rustic table zvifh tzvo garden chairs down L. in front of the 
porch. Palms and flozvers, zvifh pots covered zvith grass, 
form Hozver-beds dozvn R. and in upper R. corner. Natural 



SAFETY FIRST 57 

boughs overhang the stage, being attached to the side scenes. 
Green carpet dozvn with grass mats and scattered green 
leaves around stage. 

At rise of curtain bird-calls are heard. Virginia is dis- 
covered seated on bench R. C. reading a novel. 
Enter Mabel through gate. 

Virginia {rises). Did you see the judge? 

Mabel. Yes, I saw him, and it's all true. Jack and Jerry 
never went to Florida at all. They spent thirty days in jail. 

Virginia. How horrible ! Then Elmer's entire story is 
true ? 

Mabel. Yes. Jack and Jerry went to see Zuleika to try 
to persuade her not to marry Elmer. While they were there 
the police arrested her for telling fortunes. Jack got in a 
fight with the policeman and kicked him in the hallway. 
Then they jumped out of the window and escaped. 

Virginia. How can we ever explain to mamma? 

]\Iabel. We can't. She'd never get over the thought of 
a son-in-law of her's being put in jail. We simply must go 
on as we are. 

Virginia. I'll not do it. I haven't seen Jerry for two 
weeks, just because I thought he'd been flirting with that 
Turkish girl and now that I've learned the truth, I'm going 
to assert my rights. 

Mabel. And so am I. If the worst comes to the worst 
I'm going to elope with my husband. Where's Elmer? 

Virginia. In the living room with mamma. He intro- 
duced his wife as a French baroness and she's made an aw- 
ful hit with mamma. 

Mabel. If she ever finds out she was once a Turkish 
fortune-teller — 

Virginia. She'll never find it out. They are leaving for 
California in the morning. 

Enter Mrs. B., Elmer and Zuleika from house. 

Mrs. B. Here they are. Girls, I want you to meet El- 
mer's wife. Baroness, allow me to present my daughters, 
Mabel and Virginia. 



58 SAFETY FIRST 



% 



ZuLEiKA. I am charmed, madame, charmed. 

Virginia (dozvn R.). We've heard so much of the dear 
Baroness. 

INlABEL (at R. C). And we think that Elmer is the 
luckiest fellow in the world. 

Elmer. I'd say I am. (Dozvn L. zi'itJi Zuleika.) Just 
married this morning and got a dandy job waiting for me 
in California. 

Mrs. B. (at C). If you will excuse me, Baroness, I will 
see to the dinner. (Exits in house at L.) 

Elmer. Virginia, I want you to show my wife the water- 
lilies in the pond. 

Virginia. Why, certainly. Are you fond of lilies, 
Baroness? 

Zuleika (crossing R.). I adore them. (Turns to El- 
mer.) Will you join us? 

Elmer. In just a moment, my angel. (Exeunt Vir- 
ginia and Zuleika at R. i E.) 

Mabel. I just came from the judge, Elmer. Oh, how 
I have misjudged my husband. 

Elmer. Then everything is all right?. 

Mabel. All but mamma. We can never tell mamma the 
truth. She'd never forgive Jack's being in jail. 

Elmer. But what are you going to do? 

Mabel. I don't know. 

Elmer. I think there's a solution for the problem. 

Mabel. A solution? 

Elmer. Yes, it's outside, walking up and down there by 
the lilac bushes. (Points to rear R.) If you go to the gate 
and wave your parasol the solution will present itself. 

Mabel (delighted). Oh! (Runs to gate, zvaves parasol, 
runs dozvn R. to Elmer.) Oh, I shouldn't have done that. 

Elmer (at R. i E.). And why not? 

Mabel. I won't know what to say to him. 

Jack appears at gate. 

Jack. Mabel! 

Mabel (runs into his arms). Jack! (He starts to kiss 
her.) O, you mustn't do that? 



SAFETY FIRST 59 

Elmer. \\''hy mustn't he? 

Mabel. Because mamma wouldn't approve of it. 

Jack. I'm not kissing mamma. 

Elmer. Alabers right, Jack. She can't kiss you. 

Jack (indignantly). And why not? 

Elmer. Because mamma doesn't approve. But you can 
kiss her, if you want to. Mamma hasn't any control over 
you. I'm going to look at the water-lilies. (Exit R. i E.) 

Jack. Mabel! (Starts to kiss her.). 

Enter Mary Ann suddenly from house at L. 

Mary Ann. Fer the love of ^like ! 

]\Iabel. It's only my husband, Mary Ann. 

Mary Ann (at L.). I see it is, mum. But the ould 
lady's given orders that he ain't to be admitted to the 
grounds. I'll have to call McNutt. I hate to do it, me 
havin' been married once meself, but orders is orders. (Exit 
in house.). 

Jack. I've been trying to see you every day for two 
weeks, but IMcNutt paroles up and down in front of the 
wall and he carries a gun. 

Mabel. It's a shame. And mamma has told him to 
load his gun with rock salt and if any man tries to enter 
he's to be shot on the spot. 

Jack. What spot? 

Mabel. Any spot is bad enough. Oh, he's coming. 

Jack. Then I'm going. But you'll hear from me this 

evening. Jerry's over by the lily pond. He's got a won- 

•derful scheme. Jerry's going to fix up everything. He's 

here disguised as IMcNutt and you and I are going to elope 

this evening. 

IMabel. Elope ? 

Jack. Sure. Ladder there at the window. You pack 
your things and climb down the ladder. INIotor car outside. 
Fond husband waiting for you. IMoonlight, ladder, fond 
husband, romance, elopement ! 

Mabel. Oh, how gorgeous ! 

Jack. I'll send you further instructions by Jerry. (Starts 
to kiss her.). 



60 SAFETY FIRST 

Enter oNIcNutt from L., zviih gun. 

McNuTT {levels gun at Jack). Hould on there! 

Jack {embracing Mabel). I am holding on. 

McNuTT. I mane let go. I think I'm going to shoot! 

Mabel {dramatically). If you. capture him it will be 
over my dead body. Run, Jack, run for your life. 

Jack. Farewell, Mabel, farewell forever! {Exits 
throitgh gate.) 

McNuTT {rushes to gate, levels gun). Just one shot at 
the enemy's retreat. 

IMabel {catches gun). No, no. Spare him, for my sake ! 
Spare him. He's all I've got. 

McNuTT. Very w^ell, my lady, if he's all you've got I 
pity you. He's spared. {Crosses to L.) But if he ever sets 
foot inside that gate again, it's his life or mine. {Crosses to 
house.) His life or mine. {-Dramatic exit into house.) 

Enter Elmer and Zuleika from R. i E. 

Elmer. Hello, where's Jack? 

]\Iabel. That odious Mr. McNutt came and chased him 
away. I'm not going to put up with such treatment any 
longer. Jack is my husband and a wife's first duty is to 
her husband. 

Elmer (at C). You hear that, Zuleika? A wife's first 
duty is to her husband. 

Zuleika. Of course it is 

Mabel. So Jack and I have decided to elope. 

Elmer. Good. 

Mabel. He's sending further instructions by Jerry. 
Where is Jerry? 

Zuleika. He's showing the water lilies to Miss Virginia. 

Elmer. Here they come now. 

Enter Jerry and Virginia from R. i E. Jerry is dis- \ 
guiscd as McNutt. 

Mabel. Where's Jerry? I thought he was with you. 
Jerry {imitating McNutt). Sure, mum, I run him off, 
so I did. 



SAFETY FIRST 61 

Mabel. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. If I 
were the mistress here I'd discharge you. 

Jerry (in his natural voice). Then I wish you were the 
mistress, Mabel. 

Mabel (luiich surprised). Jerry! 

Jerry (as McNutt). Mr. McNutt, at yer service, mum. 

Mabel. What a wonderful disguise. 

Elmer (doivn L. with Zuleika). Sh ! Someone is com- 
ing. 

Virginia (at R. C). It's fnamma ! Quick, Jerry, behind 
the wall ! 

Jerry (runs to gate). Yis, mum. In a minute, mum. 
(Exits.) 

Enter ]\Irs. B. from house, followed by Mary Ann. 

Mrs. B. My dear, you'd better take Elmer and the dear 
baroness into the house. 

Virginia. Yes, mamma, we were just going in. (Cross 
to honse.) 

Zuleika. Your hospitality is wonderful, madame. I 
shall always remember it with the great pleasure. (Exits in 
house, followed by Elmer, Virginia and Mabel.) 

Mrs. B. Just a moment, Mary Ann. (Mary Ann 
comes to Mrs. B. at C.)' 

Mary Ann. Yis, mum? 

Mrs. B. I have noticed that Virginia and Mabel seem 
restless and discontented lately.^ 

Mary Ann. Yis, mum, I've noticed it, too. 

Mrs. B. I have decided to investigate the conduct of 
Mr. Montgomery and his friends on their trip to Florida. 
Unfortunately the Turkish girl has disappeared. 

]\Iary Ann. Maybe she's gone ofif to Florida agin, mum. 

]\Irs. B. I intend to interview McNutt and learn why 
Mr. Montgomery bribed him to say that she was his wife. 
Where is he? 

IMary Ann. In the kitchen, mum. 

Mrs. B. Ask him to step here. 

Enter Jerry from C. E. 



62 SAFETY FIRST 

Jerry {imitating AIcNutt). Here I am, mum. 

^Iary Ann (dozvn L.). I thought I left you aslape in 
the kitchen. 

Jerry (at C). Did you want, me, mum? 

Mrs. B. (at R.). Yes, Mr. McNutt. I wanted to hear 
more about Mr. Montgomery's mysterious trip to Florida. 
You know all the facts, don't you? 

Jerry. Yis, mum. Indade I do. Nobody knows them 
better, mum. 

Mrs. B. You stated that Mr. IMontgomery and Mr. Ar- 
nold bribed you to say that this Turkish girl was your wife. 

Jerry. That's what I said, mum, but there's niver a 
word of truth in it, at all, at all. 

Mrs. B. Then you deceived me? 

Jerry. Yis, mum. I thought I was doin' it for your 
good, mum, but it's caused an awful row with the young 
people, so it has, and I've decided to tell the truth at last. 
The truth, mum, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. 

]\Irs. B. Just a moment. Mary Ann, you may go. 

Mary Ann (reluctantly). Yis, mum. (Exits in house, 
shaking fist at Jerry, unseen by ]\Irs. B.) 

Mrs. B. Now, ]\Ir. IMcNutt, I want the truth. 

Jerry. And the truth ye shall have, mum, if it chokes 
me. Mr. Montgomery and IMr. Arnold are as innocent as 
a couple of young angels yet unborn, mum. And the Turk- 
ish lady is innocent, too. 

Mrs. B. Be careful what you say, McNutt. I warn you 
before hand that I won't believe a word you tell me. 

Jerry. Sure, I have all the proofs, mum. ]\Ir. Arnold 
and Mr. Montgomery niver wint to Florida at all, at all. 
And nayther did the Turkey girl, mum. 

Mrs. B. Where did they go? 

Jerry. To jail. 

Mrs. B. (horrified). Jail? 

Jerry. Yis, mum. It was a bit of a scrimmage the two 
men had with the police, mum. Nothin' serious at all, at all. 

]\Irs. B. This is horrible, and yet it isn't as horrible as 
eloping to Florida. 



SAFETY FIRST 63 

Jerry. No, mum, it ain't. 

Mrs. B. I can never tell ]\Iabel that her husband has 
been in jail. She would never forgive him. 

Jerry. Do you want her to forgive him, mum ? 

Mrs. B. Certainly, if he is innocent. I must investigate 
this story and if it is true I must try to reconcile Mabel to 
her husband. 

Jerry. And also Miss Virginia to her young man, mum. 

Mrs. B. I'm not so sure of that. You see they aren't 
married. 

Jerry. But they're goin' to be, mum. 

Mrs. B. How do you know that? 

Jerry. It's just me intuition, mum. I have a wonderful 
intuition. 

Mrs. B. Do not allow those men to enter the grounds 
until I have investigated your story. (Crosses to house.) 
It is possible that you are again deceiving me. 

Jerry. I wouldn't drame of such a thing, mum. Me 
middle name is George Washington, and I cannot tell a lie. 

Mrs. B. Remember, you are on guard. (Exits into 
house L.) 

Enter Jack from gate zvitJi letter. 

Jack. Jerry ! 

Jerry. Yis, sor. 

Jack. Here's a letter for IMabel. It contains directions 
for the elopement. She must have it as soon as possible. 

Jerry. I'll give it to her. 

Jack. If you don't get a chance, hide it there by the 
well. We used to hide all our letters there before we were 
married. 

Jerry (takes letter). I'll do it. Quick, beat it! Some- 
body's coming. 

Exit Jack through gate. Enter Virginia front house. 

Virginia. Oh, Jerry, you look so funny. (Crosses to 
hammock.) 

Jerry. Yes, and I feel just as funny as I look. I 
wouldn't do this for anyone but you. (Sits in hammock 
with her.) 



64 , SAFETY FIRST 

Virginia. It's to help Jack and Mabel. They're going 
to elope tonight. 

Jerry. And once they get away it will be easy sailing 
for us. 

Virginia. I haven't seen yon for two weeks and now 
that you are here fixed up like that it seems just like talking 
to another man. 

Jerry. But I'm still the same old Jerry, darling. 

Enter Mary Ann fi^om house. She s::j them. 

Mary Ann. Fer the love of Mike! 

Jerry {comes to her quickly). Now, darling — 

Mary Ann {loftily). Don't darling me! Sure, I'm think- 
ing you'd better return to the hammock. You're as bad 
as the rest of them, McNutt. {Weeping.) You're a de- ! 
caiver, so you are ; a deep, double-dyed decaiver, so you 
are. {Exits into house, crying loudly.) 

Virginia. Now you've spilled the beans. ]\Iary Ann's 
in love with McNutt. And he worships the ground she 
walks on. 

Jerry. Not this McNutt. 

Virginia. Suppose he'd come while you are here. You'd 
better hide behind the lilac bushes until after dinner. 

Jerry. But, Virginia — 

Virginia. Hurry! You're aren't safe here at all. {Exit 
Jerry through gate.) 

Enter Mrs. B. from the house. 

Mrs. B. Virginia, have you seen anything. of McNutt? 
I can't find him anywhere. 

Virginia. Why, yes, he was here a moment ago. I 
think he is watering the lawn. 

Mrs. B. I want him to act as butler for dinner. 

Virginia. Butler? 

]\Irs. B. Yes, in order to make an impression on the 
dear baroness. I'll see if I can find him. Exit R. i E.) 

Enter McNutt through gate. 
Virginia. Oh, there you are? 
McNutt. Yis, here I am. 



SAFETY FIRST 65 

Virginia. Mamma is looking for you. She went down 
by the pond. 

McNuTT. And what does she want with me? 

Virginia. She wants you to act as butler tonight. 

AIcNuTT. Butler? I can't act as butler. I niver but- 
tled in me life. I dunno how to buttle. 

Virginia. Of course you don't, darling, 

McNuTT {piizdcd, looks around to sec wJiom sJie is ad- 
dressing). Darling? 

Virginia. Oh, you're so funny. Really, you're just like 
him. How did you ever manage to get that face? 

]\IcNuTT (looking around). What face? 

Virginia {tapping his chin). Why, this. 

McNuTT. Well, you see, I didn't look at it very close 
when I got it. 

Virginia. W^ll, I'm glad you can change it when you 
want to. 

McNuTT, Change it? {To audience.) She's fallen in 
love wid me and it's weakened her brain. 

VirginIx\. You don't appear at all affectionate. {Takes 
his arm and puts it around her:) 

McNuTT. Begorry, I niver can git affectionate in July. 
The weather's too warm. 

Enter ]\Irs. B. from R. i E. SJie sees them, but they 
have their backs to her. 

Virginia. You're not afraid of mamma, are you? 

McNuTT. Afraid of that old scarecrow? I should say 
not! 

Virginia. You are so brave. But of course she will 
object to our getting married. 

Mrs. B. {horrified) . Virginia! {Sinks on bench in front 
of well.) 

Virginia. Mamma! {Runs into house at L.) 

McNuTT. Oh, me, oh my! {E.rit in house.) 

Mrs. B. I am faint. Water, water! 

Enti'r Jerry through gate. 
Jerry. Did you call, mum? 



66 SAFETY FIRST 

Mrs. B. How dare you speak to me? How dare you 
make love to my daughter? 

Jerry. ]\Ie, mum? 

Mrs. B. Leave my house immediately. I'll pay you and 
you can go at once. I hired you for protection and this is 
the way you repay me. Oh! {Totters to table at L., sinks 
in chair.) I'm faint. Get me some water. 

Jerry. Not me. I'm discharged. 

Mrs. B. Water ! Water ! From the dining room. Quick ! 
(Faints.) 

Jerry. In a minute. (Rushes into the house.) 

Enter McNutt through gate. 

Mrs. B. Water, water! 

McNuTT. Water, is it? 

Mrs. B. Where is it? 

]\IcNuTT. Where is what, mum? 

IMrs. B. The water. Get me some water from the din- 
ing room. Quick ! 

McNuTT. Crazy as a loon. (Exit in house.)' 
■ Mrs. B. (wringing her hands). Oh, the disgrace, the 
disgrace! Virginia in love with a McNutt, when she might 
have married Jerry Arnold. 

Enter Jerry zvith glass of ivatcr. Puts it on table. 

Jerry. There you are, mum. 

*Mrs. B. (drinks). Now you leave my premises. There's 
the gate ! Go ! 

Jerry. Yis, mum. (Exits through gate.) 

Enter ]\IcNutt with glass of ivater. Comes to L. of 
table. 

Mrs. B. (who is exhausted in chair). Oh! 

McNuTT. Here's the water, mum. 

Mrs. B. I thought I told you to go. 

McNuTT. Yis, mum. (Exits in house.) 

Mrs. B. Not there! You are discharged. Oh, what- 
ever will the neighbors say. Virginia in love with a ser- 
vant. (Crosses to house.) He shall leave my house at once, 
if I have to call the police. (Exits in house.) 



SAFETY FIRST 67 

Enter Jerry tJirough gate. 

Jerry. I'll have to get this letter to Mabel. Let me 
see, Jack said to hide it by the well. (Kneels in front of 
the zvell, looking for place to hide letter.) 

Enter Mary Ann from house. She watches. 

Mary Ann (to audience). It's IMcNutt and he's hiding 
a love letter. 

Jerry (secretes letter). There, that's all right. (Exits 
R. I E.) 

Mary Ann (comes dozvn to well, gets letter, sits on 
bench, reads). "JNIy own darling goozlums." Sure that's 
me ! "We are to elope tonight. I'll have a ladder up to the 
front window at ten thirty sharp. I have arranged every- 
thing. Just a little courage and all our troubles will be 
over." For the love of Mike ! He wants me to elope. 
(Puts letter in pocket.) 

Enter IMcNutt from house. He comes down to iv'cll. 

jMcNutt (puts hands over INIary Ann's eyes). Guess 
who it is ! 

]\Iary Ann (delighted). It's goozlums! 

McNuTT. How did ye guess it? (Sits on the rim of 
the well, his feet on the bench.) Say, J\Iary Ann, the young 
lady. Miss Virginia, is in love with me ! 

Enter Jerry from gate. He comes behind zvell. 

]\Iary Ann. I thought as much whin I saw the two of 
yeez in the hammock. But I know that I'm first in your 
affections and I'll consent to your proposition. Before the 
stroke of twelve two lovin' hearts wnll bate as one. 

IMcNutt. What do ye mane? Here I am in trouble, in 
the very depths of trouble — I say I'm in the depths — 

Jerry seises him from behind, then drags hint in the well. 
IMcNutt screams. 

!Mary Ann (screams). Help, murder, fire, police! 
(Faints on bench.) 

Enter Mrs. B., Elmer, Zuleika, Virginia and Mabel 
from house. 



68 SAFETY FIRST 

Mrs. B. (and others). What is it? What's happened? 
Mary Ann!' (Exclamations ad lib.) 

Jerry (throzvs water on Mary Ann). She's fainted. 

Mary Ann {recovers). He's in the well He's 
drowned dead, he is ! {Sees Jerry.) It's his ghost ! {Screams 
loudly and faints in Jerry^s arms. 

General excitement and Curtain. 

Scene H : Same set as in the preceding scene. Stage 
darkened. Mysterious music. Enter Jerry and Jack car- 
rying ladder. Jerry is no longer disguised. 

Jack {carrying end of ladder and lighted lantern). 
There! That's all right. Put it up here. {They set ladder 
against the house.) 

Jerry. It's as dark as the tomb. AMiy didn't IMabcl have 
a light in her room? 

Jack. She's afraid. Sh ! Don't make a noise. Now you 
go out and start the car. We've got to do this thing up in 
a hurry or the old lady will have the police on our heels. 
(Jerry knocks over a chair.) 

Jerry {yells). Ouch! 

Jack. What's the matter? 

Jerry. I think I broke my ankle. 

Jack. Never mind a little thing like that. Hurr}^ up ! 

Jerry. I'll bet she's changed her mind. 

Jack {zvhistles). 

{A light appears in the upper ivindoiu.) 

Jerry. There's a light. It's all right. 

Jack. You hurry up and get the car ready. 

Jerry. All right. {Knocks over the bench and exits 
R. I E.) 

Jack (half zcay up the ladder, calls softly). Darling, are 

you there ? , ^ a 

InIary Ann appears at wmdoiv. 

Mary Ann. Here I am. Oh, I'm afraid. 
Jack. I'll protect vou. {She climbs out, with bundles, 
etc.) 



SAFETY FIRST 69 

Mary Ann. Here, take me jools. {Throws grip down 
on Jack. He falls from the ladder.) 

Jack. Great Scott! (Starts to climb up.) 

Mary Ann. And here's me trousseati. (Throzvs an- 
other grip on him.) 

Jack (on floor). Say, you ought to get a dray! 

Enter McNutt from house with candle. 

McNuTT. What's goin' on here anyhow? (Grabs Jack. 
They roll over on floor. Mary Ann falls from ladder and 
screams loudly.) 

Enter ]\Irs. B. and Virginia from house, zuifh lights. 
Stage lights one-half up. 
Mrs. B. Help, help, police ! 
McNuTT. It's a burglar, mum. I've got him. 
Mrs. B. (recognising him). Jack Montgomery! 

Enter Mabel, Elmer and Zuleika with lights. Lights 
full up. 

Mabel (rushes to Jack at R.). Jack, my husband! 
(Embraces him.) 

Mary Ann (at C). Fer the love of Mike! 

McNuTT. What do you mane climbing down the ladder 
like a thafe in the night Mary Ann O'Finnerty? 

Mary Ann. I was going to elope, so I was. (Weeps on 
McNutt's shoulder.) 

McNuTT. Elope? Who with? 

Mary Ann. With him. (Points to Jack.) 

All. With him? 

Jack. I thought she was my wife. 

Enter Jerry through gate. 

Jerry. That's right. He was going to elope with Mabel. 

Mrs. B. But there isn't any need of that now. I with- 
draw all my opposition. 

All. You do? 

Mrs. B. Certainly. Mabel, go to your husband. Vir- 
ginia, I'll do anything you ask if you'll only give up Mc- 
Nutt. 



70 SAFETY FIRST 

jMcNutt. Sure, she'll have to do that. I'm going to 
marry Mary Ann. 

Virginia. Of course I will if I can have Jerry. 

Jerry (at C). Here I am. Come and take me. (SJie 
crosses to him.) 

Enter Abou from gate. 

Abou. I\Iy leetla Zuleika. Have any of you seen my 
leetia Zuleika? 

Elmer [dozun L.) Your leetla Zuleika is now Mrs. El- 
mer Flannel and we're going to California in the morning. 

Mrs. B. {at L. C). And I thought she was a baroness. 

Elmer. Safety first! 

IMrs. B. I don't understand. 

Jack. It's just as well you don't. {Comes to C. and 
addresses audience.) 

And now before we say good-bye to these 

Our friends in front, whom we have tried to please, 

We trust that you've enjoyed our little play, 

And when you leave each one of you must say 

A word to all good husbands. Stay at home, 

Or if from fireside bright you have to roam, 

Be sure and tell the truth, the very worst 

Were better than our motto Safety First! 

Slow Curtain. 



Deacon Dubbs 

By WALTER BEN HARE 

Price, 25 Cents 

A rural comedy-drama in 3 acts; 5 males, 5 females. Time, 
21^ hours. One scene throughout, a farmyard, not difficult to set. 
A play of patlios, clean cut rural comedy, local color and a touch 
of sensation, making a truly great offering for amateurs. It is 
professional-like in construction, yet easily within the scope of any 
amateur society. The types are true to life, not exaggerated cari- 
catures. The star role is a comedy old farmer, not the usual stage 
type of hayseed, but the real, genuine, kind hearted, wise old 
Deacon, a part as appealing in its way, as Uncle Josh Whitcomb, 
Nathaniel Berry or David Harum. The heroine, Rose Raleigh, 
the brave little school ma'am, is a strong, emotional part. A 
country boy and a Swede hired girl are great comedy parts; also 
a comedy old maid (almost a star part), tomboy soubrette. A 
finely drawn hero, character auctioneer, an excellent villain, etc. 
The characters are almost all equally good. A male quartet and 
a crowd of villagers will greatly add to the success of the play. 
A feature scene in each act: A covmtry auction, a country wed- 
ding, a country husking bee. This play is a sure hit. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Rose Cottage on an afternoon in June. Yennie Yensen, 
the Swedish hired girl, wants to borrow some yumps and decides to 
bid on the hired man at the auction, as "he bane a purty gude 
looking feller." Miss Philipena arranges for the auction sale. 
Rose and Amos. "Out of the broken ruins of time fair blossoms 
grow, God's last amen is a .wliite rose." The Deacon arrives from 
Sorghum Center, State o' West Virginny. "Ding, dong, bell, 
pussy's in the well." The farm is sold to Rose Raleigh for two 
thousand dollars. The defeat of Rawdon Crawley. 

Act II. — Same scene, a morning in August. Wedding bells. 
"Happy is the bride that the sun shines on." Deuteronomy and 
Yennie bring wedding presents. Miss Philipena takes a nap with 
disastrous results. Yennie is scared. "YOur face, it bane put on 
backwards." Back from the grave. "You are my wife. Take 
off that bridal wreath, that sparkling necklace." "Who is this 
man?" The Deacon arrests Rawdon Crawley. 

Act III. — Same scene but a year later and in autumn. The 
husking bee. Songs and merriment by the villagers. "Rawdon 
Crawley has escaped!" "This is my punishment and my punish- 
ment is more than I can bear." The Deacon returns from New 
York. Miss Philipena and the fractious cow. The Deacon's night- 
mare. "Cork, cork, cork!" A wheelbarrow for two. The Virginia 
reel. The death of Rawdon Crawley. "We'll have a double wed- 
ding and for a honeymoon we'll all go down to Sorghum Center, 
State o' West Virginny." 

Their First Quarrel 

By CHARLES NEVERS HOLMES. 

Price, 15 Cents 

A comedy; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 15 minutes. A bit of glue, 
which has the appearance of chewing gum, underneath the seat of 
a chair — and "that's how the trouble began." A subtle bit of humor 
that will surely please. Could be played in a parlor without scenery. 

T« S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



Deacon Dubbs 

By WALTER BEN HARE 

Price, 25 Cents 

A rural comedy-drama in 3 acts; 5 males, 5 females. Time, 
21^ hours. One scene throughout, a farmj-ard, not difficult to set. 
A play of pathos, clean cut rural comedy, local color and a touch 
of sensation, making a truly great offering for amateurs. It is 
professional-like in construction, yet easily within the scope of any 
amateur society. The types are true to life, not exaggerated cari- 
catures. The star role is a comedy old farmer, not tlie usual stage 
type of hayseed, but the real, genuine, kind hearted, wise old 
Deacon, a part as appealing in its way, as Uncle Josh Whitcomb, 
Nathaniel Berry or David Harum. The heroine. Rose Raleigh, 
the brave little school ma'am, is a strong, emotional part. A 
country boy and a Swede hired girl are great comedy parts; also 
a comedy old maid (almost a star part), tomboy soubrette. A 
finely drawn hero, character auctioneer, an excellent villain, etc. 
The characters are almost all equally good. A male quartet and 
a crowd of villagers will greatly add to the success of the play. 
A feature scene in each act: A country auction, a country wed- 
ding, a country husking bee. This play is a sure hit. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Rose Cottage on an afternoon in June. Yennie Yensen, 
the Swedisli hired girl, wants to borrow some yumps and decides to 
bid on the hired man at the auction, as "he bane a purty gude 
looking feller." Miss Philipena arranges for the auction sale. 
Rose and Amos. "Out of the broken ruins of time fair blossoms 
grow, God's last amen is a white rosje." The Deacon arrives from 
Sorghum Center, State o' ^''est Virginny. "Ding, dong, bell, 
pussy's in the well." The farm is sold to Rose Raleigh for two 
thousand dollars. The defeat of Rawdon Crawley. 

Act II. — Same scene, a morning in August. Wedding bells. 
"Happy is the bride that the sun shines on." Deuteronomy and 
Yennie bring wedding presents. Miss Philipena takes a nap with 
disastrous results. Yennie is scared. "Your face, it bane put on 
backwards." Back from the grave. "You are my wife. Take 
off that bridal wreath, that sparkling necklace." "Who is this 
man?" The Deacon arrests Rawdon Crawley. 

Act III. — Same scene but a year later and in autumn. The 
husking bee. Songs and merriment by the villagers. "Rawdon 
Crawley has escaped!" "This is my punishment and my punish- 
ment is more than I can bear." The Deacon returns from New 
York. Miss Philipena and the fractious cow. The Deacon's night- 
mare. "Cork, cork, cork!" A wheelbarrow for two. The Virginia 
reel. The death of Rawdon Crawley. "We'll have a double wed- 
ding and for a honeymoon we'll all go down to Sorghum Center, 
State o' West Virginny." 

Their First Quarrel 

By CHARLES NEVERS HOLMES. 

Price, 15 Cents 

A comedy; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 15 minutes. A bit of glue, 

which has the appearance of chewing gum, underneath the seat of 

a chair — and "that's how the trouble began." A subtle bit of humor 

that will surely please. Could be played in a parlor without scenery. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



' M. F. 

Winning Widow, 2 acts, V/z hrs. 

(25c) 2 4 

Women Who Did, 1 hr. . . (2Sc) 17 
Yankee Detective, ,3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 

All on a Summer's Day, ,40 min. 4 6 

April Fools, 30 min... 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 
Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min 3 5 

Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Country Justice, IS min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 

Divided Attentions, 35 min 1 4 

Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min 4 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min..- 2 1 
Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 
Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 
Great Medical Dispensaryj 30 m. 6 
Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min 4 3 

I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 
Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min.... 3 3 
Is the Editor In? 20 min... 4 2 
Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15 m. 1 3 
Motfher Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 
Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 
Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent. 30 m. 3 2 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr 4 6 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1. 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 
Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 6 3 

Regular Fix. 35 min 6 4 

Second Childhood, IS min 2 2 

Shadows, 35 min 2 2 

Sing a Song of Seniors," 30 min. 7 
Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 

Taming a Tiger, 30 min 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Those Red Envelopes, 25 min. 4 4 
Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 
Two Ghosts in White, 20 min . . 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 
Wanted a Correspondent, /45 m. 4 4 
Wanted a Hero, 20 min.' 1 1 



M. F. 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrorig Baby, 25 min 8 

Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCVES. MON- 
OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min. . . 2 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min 2 

Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.l4 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 

Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 10 

Doings of a Dude, 20 min 2 1 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 2 

For Reform, 20 min 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min ..21 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 1 
Good Momin' Judge, 35 min.. 9 2 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube ! IS min 1 

Home Run, IS min... 1 1 

Jumbo Jum,\ 30 min 4 3 

Little Red School House. 20 m. 4 

Love and Lather. 35 min 3 2 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 

Memphis Mose, 25 min 5 1 

Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 

Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 

One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 
Oshkosh Next Week. 20 min.. 4 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 

Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min, 2 2 
Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 m. 6 

Sham Doctor, 10 min... 4 2 

Si and I, 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min.. 2 1 
Sunny Son of Italy, IS min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, IS min. . 3 

Umbrella Mender, 15 min 2 

Uncle JeflF, 25 rain... 5 2 

What Happened to Hannah, 15m. 1 1 



A sreat number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are Hated In 

Denlson's Catalogue 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,154 W.Randolph St., Chicaeo 



POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS 

Price, Illustrated Paper Covers, 30 cents each 




IN this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finelj' made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attrac t i v e 
individual cov- 
er design. 
A Partial List 

DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Les.sons are Over. 

Dialogties, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Original successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 



Monologues Grave and Gay. 

Dramatic and humorous. 
Scrap- Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 15 Nos., per No. 25c 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 1 1 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

JMonologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools^ 

Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great varietv of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 
( A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

iNIinstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland,via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny storie s, jokes, gags, etc. 

Large Illustrated Catalogue Free 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers»154W. Randolph St., Chicago 



llllllBlllllllI ^^ CONGRESS 

015 910 122 8 # 



